Broken Lullabies

Road run

2012-02-11T07:31:00.000-08:00

I think I made a bad impression of myself towards him. I wasn't supposed to be... annoying, catty, show-offy or masculine. I was supposed to be.. more feminine! More poise! More gentle! But I can't help it. That's just who I am and I can't lie about my attitude and my true-self....

We had road run today. So I came early. At 6.30. Heck, I always come early on Saturdays and people kept questioning me. I guess they just don't know I always come early on Saturdays, hehe! The first person I saw was Hafizah. She was the first to question me. "Why are you so early?" Or something like that. Sabrina, Thivyaa and I made for the Gallery after that. I spotted my friends and after lining up, we did some aerobics. It was a good thing that they made us do the aerobics and it's a good thing that I did it with Maryam, Syai, Laila and Nadhwah. I was laughing non-stop. Especially Maryam. I was laughing at her. I mean, they way she moved and the moves were just so... HAHAHA. Okay, I shouldn't be laughing as I sucked as well but I really needed that. Because I can't run if I'm not happy. I need to get crazy or hyper so that I'll be hyped up to run. Thank God for that.

We started running at about 8.35. All of us decided to run together and not do stupid things but when it started, I left them. I don't know. Suddenly it all got serious and I suddenly had the will and the determination to make it to school in less than an hour. That was my target. When the run started, I can't believe what I heard. Nothing. I heard nothing. Just stomping of feet. No talking. I was shocked. I was expecting some girls to chat or something but it was quiet. Everybody was serious. At first. But really, even until the end, most of them were serious.

I jogged and I walked. But mostly, I jogged. The run felt so short I can barely believe it. I guess I had been lazy and I just.. didn't want that. I know I was pushing myself. I pushed myself until my ribs or rib-cage hurt. I don't know, I just have issues at that particular part there whenever I'm out of breath. Along the way, I sneaked a look at Zarif's house. It looked empty and I figured he was at school. I was too swift to notice, anyway. And then I reached Yusrry's house. Oh yes, I did see him of course. But he didn't see me. Him, grinning while holding that racket of his with his friends. When I spotted him, I just smirked to myself and jogged my way down the hill.

I sprinted at the end and cut a Red house member who nearly made it to the finishing line. I surprised myself. Wow. I still can sprint even though I had 0% energy left. I was really exhausted. It felt so hot and the world was spinning. My vision was hazy. Then I saw Shahira. She was holding a cup of Milo. She offered it to me but I rejected it as I thought that was hers or she was saving it for someone else. Then I asked her again, and she wanted to gave it to me. How sweet of her! I really thanked her for that. The Milo just felt so good. I didn't have Milo for years already! I received the red card that indicated I had successfully completed the track within less than an hour. I was really happy. I never received any card during the previous years. I was proud of myself. And I didn't walk leisurely during the run. I actually jogged. For a second I wondered what had gotten into me.

Found my friends again. I hung out with Shahira, Qiqi, Syai, Maryam, Nadhwah, Nazureen and Kayna (for awhile). We just hung around near the hall while eating the Gardenia waffle. Everybody kept stuffing it into my mouth just because I was hungry. I think I ate like.... 8 pieces already? And then we were asked to gather in the hall. And so begin the event.

Blue house won for road run! I just cannot believe it! I'm always lowering my expectations but here we are. The champion for road run! That's just the beginning and it's a wonderful step. I hope we will win. As much as I extremely don't care, it would be nice to see my house win this year as we had a downfall last year. As much as I extremely don't care, there's that micro part in me that wants to contribute something to my house. But maybe I should relinquish that tiny part right away and be selfish.

Fasya Anuar is so pretty and nice... :3

Change

2012-02-10T07:12:00.000-08:00

I hate change. I just don't like it. It's just difficult for me to adapt with something in a whole new situation. I like it better when everything was simple and less complicated. But life isn't all about me me me even though I'm living my life, if you get what I'm saying. I know we've all been through this innumerable times, but it hurts when somebody literally changes before your eyes. That's normal, sure. But it hurts even more when that somebody means something to you. It hurts even more when somebody changes because of another person.

I know who I am. I'm never perfect. I'm... mundane. I'm not the kind of person everyone wants to be friends with. But you used to be my close friend. And I used to be yours. I would share most of my problems with you. I would help you whenever you needed it. I always encourage you to study hard and become a better person. I used to be there when you were alone. But then you met another person. Someone who is more charismatic and enticing to you. By far more 'fun' than me. And I? I just pale in comparison. I vanished from your memory. You had completely forgotten about me. And every time I tried to talk to you, you just come off as cold and not entertained. How could you? After all the things I did, you threw me away just like that. And I learned things about you I've never known before. Hurt, yes but I feel more disappointed. So disappointed. Thought you were different. Thought you wanted to be there for me. But for the umpteenth time, I'm wrong and I will always be wrong. Just, how could you.

When your fears and nightmares becomes a reality, it's horrifying. When your expectations come crashing down, it gets really painful. It's just, the time and the moment took me by surprise. In the beginning, it was really hard to digest the sharp pain. As sharp as Robin Hood's arrow. But I guess, it's less painful now because I had already been stabbed by the pain. Now, those wounds are trying to heal. But undoubtedly, the scars will still remain. Still. And maybe also, it's because I've expected it. Change. Change is a phase in life. I suppose I must get used to it. After all, I change too. I must have overlooked it. That person whom I thought won't walk out of my life, just did.

I hate change. I just don't like it.

26

2012-02-06T11:59:00.000-08:00

#26. I think deep.
#25. I am manipulative.
#24. I like guys who have good grammar and are fluent in English.
#23. I dislike people who aren't punctual.
#22. I rarely break and hold on to promises.
#21. I hate responsibilities and promises.
#20. I don't really tell people my real feelings. There is the most real among the real.
#19. I am loyal. To the ones I really love.
#18. I like beautiful words/phrases and good music.
#17. I'm not fussy but I seek perfection.
#16. I don't worship or obsess over artists, bands whatsoever. Only Allah S.W.T..
#15. I forgive people but I sure as hell do not forget.
#14. My true feelings are based on the tone of my voice.
#13. I only remember things that I think are important to me.
#12. I dislike people who won't be straight with me. Even if they might hurt me.
#11. When I look like I'm ignoring you, that's the time I think about you all the time.
#10. Even if you leave, doesn't mean I stop thinking about you, even if I don't say anything.
#9. I'm very jealous, even if I say I'm not. Only in my relationships and the people who matter to me.
#8. When I say I don't care, I really mean I DON'T CARE.
#7. I look ignorant and oblivious, but I'm paying attention.
#6. I look cold but I'm very sensitive, emotional and get hurt extremely easily.
#5. When I'm hurt by your actions, I don't tell you and I don't show. You won't know.
#4. Even in a bad mood, I will still treat you nicely.
#3. Gullible. I get touched, believe and give in to people easily when persuaded.
#2. I'm open-minded but I don't open up to people easily in the beginning. Smash that wall first.
#1. Cordial, if not awkward.

2012-02-06T10:53:00.001-08:00

I know it's kind of old but how come I can't find this cover arghfkjdnfjkdfdjkbfdkvb

Robbed

2012-02-04T06:08:00.000-08:00

This week was hectic. Ah heck, every week is a hectic week! But on the bright side, we're having two days off because of Maulidur Rasul and Thaipusam. Yesterday, which was a Friday, was a hell of a day. A day of blast and ugliness in some angles and perspectives.

So Kayna invited me to go run with Zarif on the road-run track and I'm like, sure. The clock stroke one and while Kayna had class and other things to do, I went straight to the canteen, took out my homework and started doing it. I talked to Marina, Priyanka and Divyia there. We were all just laughing about how the canteen worker kept playing the same song, and how Divyia dreaded it. When Kayna had finally completed her work, we went out. We were supposed to meet at 3 p.m..The clouds started to get gloomier and Kayna got more jittery and nervous as seconds passed by. She was also insecure. Can't stop saying how "ugly" she looked when she looked just perfectly fine. She told me she was worried that it'll start to rain soon. True, but I believe it was more than that. We were walking back and forth. She tried dialing his number but to no avail as she couldn't really remember his number at that moment. We were walking about when Kayna thought she had seen him. And..... yep. It was him.

I know I see him every weekend, but at that time he looked good and.... dashing. You know, with those three-quarters, the shoes, the iPod and his hair and all, lol. Kayna was all nervous and mumbling about his attractive appearance and what-not. He was late. Thirty-minutes late. At first I wasn't too fond of the idea of him being not punctual but I figured that maybe it was a long walk from wherever he's from to Sri Aman. It had started to drizzle too. I guess it's okay. I felt bad. Kayna really wanted to run, but the clouds and the thunder signified that it was going to start raining heavily soon. Plus, it was already drizzling. So we decided to just chill and eat somewhere, since I'm hungry, We headed for Millennium Square. And so we walked and talked but mostly, I just walked ahead of them. They claimed that I was walking fast. True, but I didn't want to "provoke anything". I pitied Kayna as she couldn't walk properly as her joints were aching. In spite of her leg, I do think that she enjoyed it. Not the condition of her leg, the walk.

Finally we made it there. On the way to Picadilly, I heard someone calling my name. I didn't see her but Kayna told me it was Adline. Fatefully, we bumped into Adline and she was not alone. She was with Edora. They looked pretty high. I bet they were smoking crack or something upstairs, pft. So we sat at one corner. Both Zarif and Kayna drank but I ate something. Kayna was mostly playing about with Zarif's iPhone. Whilst Zarif and I were talking, suddenly it rained heavily. I was like.. Shit. Now how the hell are we supposed to go back? Kayna and I needed to go back home by 5.30. After I finished eating and after we chilled for a bit, we decided to make a move. Kayna thought that we should just walk back to school. No way. It was raining cats and dogs! We were just standing there when two guys and a lady stood next to us. Kayna wanted to borrow their umbrella but decided not to since one of the guy offered to call a cab for us. While he was searching through his contact, and for a really long time, a taxi passed by. I waved frantically and thank God, we managed to get back to school by cab. Zarif went home with the same cab.

When we reached school, we sat on the bench and started reminiscing and talking about the event that just happened. EVERYTHING did not go as we planned it would be. "Kita hanya merancang, tapi hanya Allah yang menentukan apa yang akan terjadi". Kayna was quite disappointed that she didn't get to run on the track with him, or to knock on Yusrry's door or something, but I know that deep down she's very ecstatic about what happened and about meeting him again, too. I went back home afterwards.

I was supposed to be tired and asleep, but I stayed up until 5.00 a.m.. Guess what? I skyped with Nazreen with for 4 hours. Like, whoah. We did talk before, I mean virtually, but there was no chemistry (no, not that kind, he has a girlfriend) whatsoever. Our conversation went pretty well. He was interesting. He was not who I thought he was. I guess I misjudged him, in a way. Rumors tend to do that to you, especially the ones that came from the mouth of your close friends, right? Looks are deceiving, as well. But yeah, he's actually a pretty nice guy. Minus the horny, whatsoever part. We even had a heart-to-heart conversation with each other. It was nice to know him.

Today, I'm in my worst condition. I am extremely sleepy (even when I'm typing this now) and I think I'm coming down with a fever. My sister thought I was crazy for feeling cold as she said it was a hot day today? I think not. And yeah, I'm also starting to sneeze. I hope the fever fades or faints away.

I've been better. But I can't help feeling robbed.

2012-01-25T12:07:00.000-08:00

"The people that we have lost, or the dreams that have faded,

Never forget them,"

One thousand words,

2012-01-25T11:39:00.000-08:00

I know that you're hiding things,

Using gentle words to shelter me.

Your words were like a dream,

But dreams could never fool me.

Not that easily.

I acted so distant then.

Didn't say goodbye before you left.

But I was listening,

You'll fight your battles far from me

Far too easily.

"Save your tears cause I'll come back"

I could hear that you whispered as you walked through that door,

But still I swore,

To hide the pain, when I turn back the pages.

Shouting might have been the answer.

What if I cried my eyes out and begged you not to depart?

But now I'm not afraid to say what's in my heart.

Though a thousand words,

Have never been spoken.

They'll fly to you.
Crossing over the time
And distance holding you,
Suspended on silver wings.

And a thousand words,
One thousand confessions,

Will cradle you,
Making all of the pain you feel seem far away.

They'll hold you forever.

Just maybe.

2012-01-25T11:19:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, I come off as cold and heartless. I push and ignore people. I hurt the ones that I love most. But deep down, it's because I care and love them that prompted me to do so. I guess it's because such people meant so much to me that I did not expect them to do things that hurt me. I'm always wanting to find a perfect person. Be it girl or boy. I didn't even know that I wanted a perfect person in my life. I'm always seeking and when I don't find any, my expectations come crashing down. My eyes were only opened when my sister pointed it out to me. I'm always seeking for someone perfect. Not only perfect, but someone who is like me. Similar to me. Wouldn't believe it if someone like that actually exists in my life.

But that's in the past. I now set my expectation bar low (minus studies). I still get hurt every now and then. But maybe not as bad as before. There's no perfect person even though I, and everybody, kept constantly saying that nobody is perfect. But what we do not know is that deep down inside us, we still hope to find someone who is perfect.
Even if we keep denying it.
Even if we do not realize it, deep down within our sub-conscious souls. At least, that's what I infer. Infer? How more scientific can I be? Too much of Biology, I presume? Can't blame myself. One whole topic of mind maps. So unappealing. Currently, I'm freaking out about most of the subjects. Definitely worried about Physics.
I'm worried I can't get anything in my head.
I'm worried that I'm not used to the technique of answering the questions. I haven't really the time to hit the books. Cause mostly I'd be worrying about what to do next or whatsoever. Too much memorizing.

Hm, love life? Currently none. No boyfriends. Yet. Even if I do have one, I don't want to love him 100% fully. Because only Allah deserves to be loved 100%. I would want to love my boyfriend.. say, about 45%. Religion comes first, family and then studies. If he doesn't like that then, I'll have to bid him farewell. Get hurt, yes, ain't that typical? I seek for it, I will deal with the consequences. But then, crystal clear he's not the right one for me, if so. I wouldn't want some worthless chap to have power over me. Right now, I'm having mixed feelings. Trying to dilute my feelings as I do not want to ruin our friendship. At times, I hate things when feelings are involved. They are just mere distractions which lead to bigger impacts. Wouldn't want such small but powerful thing to ruin what is not broken. It's not that I have commitment issues. I'm very committed and serious. But maybe, what I perceive and the feeling aren't mutual. Maybe to him, it would be just a fling. I wouldn't want that kind of relationship. I wouldn't want to be massively destructed, which is a form of distraction.

I guess I need someone who really understands me because I think I'm complex and complicated. I go way deep. At times, I speak cryptically and I might be a darn convincing actress. I mask my true feelings well. In reality, people say my facial expression is a dead giveaway to what I actually felt at that juncture. How they are easily fooled by this facade. I don't mean to fool anybody, it's just that I find it very hard to express my feelings. Not many people can handle me as I've watched loads walk out on me. People misunderstand me and think of me as a burden. I'm just a puzzle they can't stand one minute to solve. I wouldn't blame them fully. Partly, it is my fault.

Maybe I speak sarcastically that hurt them.
Maybe I anger them.
Maybe, most of the time, I push them away. That's my way. I don't force people to love me. You can't force feelings. I always tell people to leave before-hand. I always tell them, I wouldn't be surprise if you walk away. Only then will I know the ones who stay are the ones who truly love me. I used to care so much about not fitting in. About what people think of me. But as I grow older, I'm tired of these things. I don't care about these things. They mean nothing. I no longer care if somebody hates me. I no longer care if I'm a loner or the odd one out. I find that being myself is the most comfortable thing. Why pretend? It doesn't feel good. Those things you thought mattered so much in the present, won't be of any use in the future.

Maybe I've learned it the hard way. Maybe I've learned it the easy way. Who's the one to tell for sure?

I'm trying

2012-01-23T10:18:00.000-08:00

Where do I start? It has been a really really really really really hectic week. Have I said 'really'? This is crazy. I have the right to be stressed. Every student does. Maybe it's just me and my time management? I don't know. But all I know is that my homework, some of it is unnecessary! That's only homework. I have oral. Great! Oral. Haven't start memorizing. Not to mention, I have two. Presentations. Lots and lots of 'em. So, I'm sorry cause I haven't been updating these days. I am busy busy busy and plus, there was something wrong with the WiFi. Guess what? I have a new upright piano! It's huge. Maybe I'll post a picture of it when I have time. But I doubt it. Running out of time, always. Not to mention, to study means must have money. Because you need money to pay for books and more books and more books. Heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and.. Yeah, you get what I mean. My head is starting to spin already. Okay, I should stop complaining. It is not a healthy habit.

It's true that I have become more antisocial and quieter. Maybe I prefer it that way? I don't have to deal with irritating things. I don't make sins from the things I say. I don't cause ruckus and arguments. I care less these days, because maybe I've learnt something more. I can't really be dependent on just my friends.
No matter how well you know each other.
No matter how long you know each other.
Be it 8 years or 11 years. They can just leave you, whenever they feel like it or whenever they change. Sorry, whenever they reveal the dark part of theirs. I guess I've gotten pretty used to it even though the wounds hurt so bad and you remember it just like it was yesterday.
I shouldn't expect much.
I shouldn't talk much.
Back to my old habits. Suppressing my emotions. Unbeknownst to me, suppressing emotions are deadly. I turned out to be worse than I thought I would be. So, now I'm trying to cleanse myself. I still hold back most of the time, but I'm trying to tame my anger. Trying to tame my wild desires.

Everyone will leave you eventually. You cannot rely fully on your friends. What more your boyfriend. These kind of relationships, they are fugacious. But I guess, family won't leave you. Depending on the circumstances. They embark on your journey alongside you. Even when they pass away, family, they're for eternity. I know we have our own sets of disputes with each other but I know that we all love each other even if we don't declare it with our mouth. We'll always have each others' back and will always be there to help each other. It took me sixteen worthless years. Sixteen years to realize that I am self-centered, ungrateful, narcissistic, egoistic, stubborn, etc., etc.
I've been blind.
Blind and blinded.
My vision all fuzzy and hazy. Maybe I did realize a few years back. But I never took the initiative. The devil never stops persuading and seducing me into the wrong path. I shouldn't waste any seconds more. Time to relinquish some of my bad traits, if not all. I know, I can't just turn into a good Muslimah overnight. It takes time. Syaitan never gives up seducing us. So I too, shall not, will not give up fighting syaitan.

Are you a heartless?

2012-01-14T08:05:00.000-08:00

Loneliness encircling you, awkward as a plank.
That familiar urge, your search began again.
Ah, here's an old flame, the victim of the night.
I was your prey and you were my predator.

Satiated, you left without bidding good night.
You found another as if I had met my death bed.
Oblivious towards the content of this sunken ship.
Oh, the things I'd do and did for you.

Such a cruel heart you have.
So empty, so hollow.
In the light of your actions, tell me.
Have you not a heart?

Those guys

2012-01-11T09:20:00.000-08:00

Arshad is so cute. How come Farihin never mentioned this before? Lol chill, I just find him cute, that's all. Nothing more.

Today was a pretty not bad day for me. I mean, sure, minus the amount of homework that has been piling up since the first day of school. Sometimes I wonder if I can really manage everything. Will I survive? I will have to, with God's will. It all started with PE today. We had Pn. Sabariah, my ex-BM teacher. She gave us some exercises to test the strength of our muscles. Know what we had to do? We had to carry our partners. First on our backs. Secondly, carrying them by the legs and third, carrying them with our own two bare hands. I could do the first and the second but definitely not the third. Nobody could. That's just impossible for a girl! I know I'm strong but I'm not that strong enough to carry someone by the hand. My partner was the new girl, Husna. We were of the same size but I insisted on being the one to carry her because I know my strength. I can manage. It was pretty awesome. We had a laugh, of course. That was totally fun.

The rest of the classes were pretty boring. Biology was incoherent. Not the subject, actually, but the teacher made it that way. She expected us to know what she wanted by giving incoherent instructions. And when our actions did not meet her expectations, she'd probably yell or fuss. I know it's for good but it gets kind of annoying. Speaking of annoying, Physics was utterly annoying. Sure, Bio was already incoherent but Physics was something else entirely. Maybe it's because of the language barrier. I do get what she's trying to teach but I'm not sure if I have the confidence or the memory to let what she had taught us stick into my memory card. Today was hectic as hell. It was a bad day for Kayna. I feel really bad for her. Sure, we all have our rainy days. I wanted to help her but her situation is the kind of situation that can't be helped. All I could was show empathy. I felt worthless as hell. Already I felt really uncomfortable because of the sweat from PE. I had so much homework today! I have lots of things on my mind. Sleep-deprived too.

Still. I had a date with them guys. So I waited for them in Taman Aman but they were late. Honestly, I hate waiting. Punctuality is important to me. I try to be punctual all the time. But I didn't mind it that much. The breeze in Taman Aman was already enough to whisk away all my worries and disturbing thoughts. So many memories there. I felt the memories flooding me one by one just by being there. Still. It means nothing anymore. Finally they arrived. There were six of em. Let me try to refresh my memory. Anif, Zahar, Aqmal, Faisal (stalker!), Nabil and Sufi. Six guys versus my hair and I. Lol. I thought it was awkward for them. I didn't really feel awkward because.... I'm very open and I'm used to it. It was just me being me. Plus, I was far more comfortable being with guys than girls. Which is wrong. We discussed and stuff. Zahar was already okay with me. Aqmal, too. And also Faisal. Faisal was just insane HAHA. I started being friends with Anif today though. He seemed like a pretty cool guy. My first impression on him was this innocent, quiet guy but first impressions are mostly wrong. He talked to me and I didn't really feel left out or awkward. Can't believe I told him I needed to pee! Gosh, it has become a habit of mine to tell someone that I need to pee! I didn't really talk to Nabil but I didn't talk to Sufi at all. I do wanted to talk to them but I was just scared. I asked them to just play something before I head back home. Nabil sang. He had an amazing voice. I kind of like being friends with them. That's weird cause I don't really know them fully yet.

After that, my father brought me to a piano shop to survey for a piano. It was nice. I like being in a room full of pianos. Yes, call me weird. But I was only attracted to one. Anyway yeah. I reached home, freshened myself and ate my lunch. That's when I received a call from an unknown number. He was like "Hey. I want you to go out of your house," I was like.... "Hahaha what.. is this some kind of a sick prank?" And he was like "Do you know who I am?" "No," "Zarif lah," LOL that was the first time I heard his voice over the phone. I told him I was eating. He asked me to just continue eating but I insisted on going out. It's not always I see him around SS7 and "visiting" near my house. So I went out and saw Mahathir, Yong and himself. We were just laughing and giggling awkwardly, not really knowing what to say. I rode on Yong's (or was it Mahathir's?) bike. It has been a long time since I rode a bike! And the bike was so light. We just talked a bit after that. Zarif asked me to continue eating and that he'll see me in tuition. I bade them farewell and head inside. What a day. After that was just me doing homework~

Can you imagine? 3-in-1 HAHAHA.

School

2012-01-06T11:22:00.000-08:00

First day of school - Just another typical first-day-of-school scene. I ended up in 4S Acacia <- lol. I hate the part where we weren't really sure of our class and everybody was crazy fighting for their seats. I mean, I fought for mine too and I looked like I just came out from a war or something. I wanted to get a good seat. Who wouldn't? Damia and I even hid behind the door so that we don't get shooed by some teacher. In the beginning, three of my classmates placed their bottles on my selected spot, including my bottle. Well. The one who sits first gets the spot. I didn't sit with my gang because well, you know. I just need a year off with no pretense and annoyance. I'd rather be alone. 'Dare to be Different', right? Isn't that our class motto? I smiled and introduced my name to the new girl, Husna. Though we didn't talk much. First day of school kind of sucked for me. I don't know why but maybe it's the fact that I feel separated from my gang. I do want to sit with them, but I'd rather not pretend and suppress my annoyance for another year. And maybe it's most probably because we had to carry a heavy load of textbooks. They even decided to give us the textbooks which were translated in Malay. I was like, are you kidding me? Why can't they just keep in the SBT room? Plus, Jessica gave me a bag of her previous exam papers which was so heavy. Seriously, I could have died carrying those books. They were too heavy. The weather was scorching hot as well. Thank God I didn't reek. Did I mention I was the PKD? Nobody wanted that job. I mean like, please, how hard can it be? -.- Me, being very tolerant and patient, decided to take the responsibility.

Second day of school - It turned out pretty average. Though I thought it turned okay only by the end of the day because my mood suddenly switched to happy. Before that was just plain boring and I was grim. Kayna also went out of class often because she's in charge of the technical things. Still. I don't really mind being alone. Don't get me wrong, I have other friends as well. In fact, I'm used to being alone. The holidays had prepared me. I was far even lonelier during the holidays than I currently am. So fortunately, I'm all used to it. There's nothing wrong and shameful with just being all by yourself. Though you get a tad bit lonely, I guess.

Third day of school - It was good. I thought it would only turn worse but luckily, it didn't. We had a retirement ceremony for Pn. Ilani, one of the best Chemistry teacher. I felt the loss even though she never taught us. Because maybe she could be our future Chemistry teacher for next year but oh well. I sat with Lea during the event but at the same time the new girl, Husna, sat next to my left. This year, I am bad at making new friends and introducing myself unless I desire to approach them or I am in a happy mood. Apparently, I was quite sleepy. She sat next to me and I actually felt really bad for not talking to her much. So I tried to start the conversation, ask her a few questions. God. I think I really am starting to become antisocial. Introducing myself and making new friends used to be my forte. Now I'm just a tad bit more shy and a little scared. We were okay. She was a really nice and sweet girl. I also met her friend, Natasha. During recess, Lea saw Husna and Natasha sitting by themselves so she invited them over. Lea is such a sweet, observant girl. I mean, when we were out together watching Ombak Rindu, she noticed that a girl next to her was separated by her friends. So Lea and I exchanged seats for her. Isn't that sweet? Anyway, they sat with us during recess. Usually it would just be Lea and I. But there were four of us just now. I'd have to say, we got along quite well. I felt really good. I've always wanted just a four-ganged-girls group. I hope we do become close friends. I hope they don't change. ): Because I'm always available, unless you exasperate me so badly. Mod Math was also good. Physics was not half-bad. It was a good day for me. Piano didn't leave me with that disappointed feeling in my heart either.

So did you know my table-mate is Kayna? Hihihihi sitting next to her is awesome! Because I can make stupid jokes like, a lot, without being criticized. She's also an organized person but she's so chilled out. Speaking of chill, have I lost my chillness? I don't want to be all jumpy and nervy. ): Well, maybe it's because it's the start of the year and everything's a bit messy. Yeah, that should be it. Hafizah and Nisa are sitting behind us too! ^.^v

I'm actually quite disappointed with my class. They sit in cliques and they're noisy. They don't even give a second thought about my constant hushing. They don't even respect when Nadiah and I were standing in front, trying to divide our tasks and discuss about class matters. In fact, they were uncooperative and self-centered. Everybody is just wrapped in their own spell of selfishness. They just don't want any responsibilities on their shoulders. They probably think of it as a burden. I don't know if we'll click and have that 'togetherness'. By the looks of how things are currently going, well, it pretty sucks.

The last of me

2012-01-03T01:43:00.001-08:00

You won't be seeing me often.

I hope you guys have a great day.

See you.

Taxis

2012-01-02T11:50:00.000-08:00

Translated.

Yusrry : I missed the train to move on, you know.
Zaza : It's okay. There's always another train for you.
Yusrry : Guys are definitely like taxis.
Zaza : Why'd you say that?
Yusrry : We sit so long waiting at the taxi stand. Wait so long to choose the right taxi. But there's only one taxi that can bring us home safely. So, you have to be patient and wait for the right taxi for you. Okay, what am I saying. I'm crapping!
Zaza : No, I seriously love it. That's going on my blog.

Now, I have finally got what I've been asking for, haven't I? After so much time pondering about, questioning others like a woman missing her child, I've finally known. I had least expected it coming and that's when the answer decided to hit me like a baseball. How do I feel? Honestly, I feel kind of hurt. A tad bit sad. Because I expected more. I thought a person would be different. But no. I should have known. A lesson isn't enough to change a man for who he is. It takes a major disappointment. It takes a series of heartbreaks. A deep fall. It's more than just an incident.

Even so, I forgive you. Yes, feel free to call me stupid. But I don't do grudges. I don't want to be handcuffed and overpowered by vengeance and hatred. Why strain yourself to bother about those kind of things when you can make a better road ahead for yourself? I know just who I am. I know I made a lot of sins. I am completely imperfect. I know, I'm so dry and you cannot bear the monotony you have to go through with me every second. I'm not satisfying, and I may never be. But I believe that I deserved better. People around me kept trying to smother those words into my ears. Trying to plant that piece of advice into my headstrong brain. I had thought that those were mere words to make me feel slightly better. But now that I stop and give some time to think of it, try to perceive it slowly, it is true. I deserved a hell lot better than this pile of garbage. But even so, I forgive you.

I know you don't care but I just hope that one day, you learn. One day, you realize. I hope that you realize that what you did was wrong. It wasn't the right way. While I may not be completely innocent, it didn't sum up that your actions were glorious. Ignorance is not bliss. Every action has a reaction. And a punishment, too. I understand that you have a shallow one-tracked piece of mind. But your level of maturity and thoughts should not be an excuse. Well, that's all I hope. Hoping is a useless act, but I'm hoping with a fragile hope. I'm not expecting much. For now, it's over. Everything is over. Game over. Gaming me was fun, wasn't it? But we all know that every story, every fairy-tale, every journey, every moment, every conversation, and every game, has to end somewhere. It all has to end. This game, it is over. Because I am finally whispering 'Goodbye' into the thin, moist air. I am fully and finally ready to pull this memory card and throw it into the deep, bottomless sea. I hope you're ready for that too.

Make no mistake. It doesn't mean that I forgive you, I welcome and accept you into my life again. I'm not coming back. And so shouldn't you, Because nobody remembers those who mingles with the dusk. I'm throwing the remnants of you and the rose-tinted memories into a pool of nothingness and meaningless. I will pretend to have no memory of you while the memory of me, is all that you should only possess, if you care and allow it. Nothing more. I no longer mean anything to you and you no longer mean anything to me. Just so you know, I stopped caring. I stopped caring since a decade ago. These will be my last words to you. Goodbye. If we ever meet, things will never be the same. I will not remember you as we have never met. And I no longer want to have anything to do with you. For once, I'm not treasuring a memory.

This will be a lesson to remember. I knew back at some point, I had questioned the same questions. But I got the answers now. What's broken could not be fixed. No matter how you try to glue them together, it will never be the same. I used to naively think with my narrow-minded, delusional and delirious mind that it was indeed, rubbish. That if the feelings were still there then that's all that matters. It's more than that. Life is a complicated puzzle and reality is a dose of bitter medicine.

I trust someone too easily. I expect too much. There were hints everywhere, trying to wake me up from my comforting slumber but I was too in-denial to wake up. I lingered in the beauty of lies and the demure, sugar-coated sentences that promised me sweet promises, but silently kills me. I shouldn't be complaining about the strings of disappointment I came face-to-face with. It was my fault after all, though not completely. And I should acknowledge it.

I knew I had to make a start somewhere. That's why, I'm searching for the right taxi to bring me to my rightful destination. But the question is, how will I know if it is the right taxi for me?

2011-12-31T11:14:00.000-08:00

"She smiled, but her eyes disclosed no life,"

2012

2011-12-31T06:59:00.000-08:00

~~Omg! New year! New me! Hehehe 2012 please be good to me!~~

Bitch, please. LOL. Sorry for the bad start. So, the year is coming to an end. It's not a big deal to be honest because.. I mean, life goes on. Sure. I'm just assuming. Those are just words to soothe me. But why the heck am I feeling jittery? Damn this mixed feelings! I think it's because of form 4 and the people in it. I hate this feeling. I know school is going to be the same. In a way. What I'm saying is the work and the process. Okay, maybe it'll be slightly tougher. No, not slightly. A lot more tougher. Honestly, I don't know. I don't know if I'm ready for all that. I've been a pig during the holidays. I'm so afraid. So so so afraid which is inane. Is it?

I guess I should expect changes. In a lot of things. People around me will start changing and I'm trying to prepare myself for that. But I will expect a slight disappointment. I wonder if I will change. I wonder if I had changed. I mean, has everything else changed about me apart from my name? Well, appearance-wise, yes. I look more attractive HAHAHAjk. But it's true. I was so unappealing last year. Maybe I had changed after all. Or, maybe I had not. It depends on which aspect you're looking at. I'll still am kind of goofy and dopey, no worries. And another thing. Please don't think of me as cocky or um, ungrateful, friends-wise. Cause sometimes when I hang out with some other people, some people will feel offended. Honestly, I don't want to leave anybody behind so that's why I spend some of my time with them. Not that I intend on leaving or forgetting some people. Some people mistook me for "abandoning" them. Well nonetheless, I think I'll be a more anti-social person next year. The easiest way to contact me? Give me a call.

2011 was one heckuva year. I still kind of feel that I was a new person in 2011. I still remember the first day of school like it was yesterday. Entered the class with such pride, with my hair tied in pigtails and a beaming smile on my face. I chose the seats much easily than in Form 2. Then there was my circle of friends. So many memorable incidents. Assignments and teamwork here and there. Me singing during teachers' day. The nerve! Oh my God. I still remember it. I still remember that brief traumatic feeling. And of course, PMR and the 'Mantap Minda' program. Why, so many things happened. Memories mean so much to me. Therefore, I will treasure them. Should I put the past behind me? You know what they say. Let bygones be bygones. But you can't expect to forget everything that happened. Some things are just... unforgettable.

Well, come what may. What can't kill you will make you stronger, eh? I will not be expecting much. I will remain positive and consistent. I just want to have an average year with my beloved friends. Yes, there will be ups and downs. But I don't want any major distractions. I will... accept things and remain calm. I hope so. So Zaza, and everybody who is reading this, are you game? :}

Who's that?

2011-12-30T07:53:00.000-08:00

"You say 'Fate',
I say 'Destiny',"

30th December. Hm. What's so special about 30th December? One might wonder. Well, 30th December is the day that somebody important to me entered the world. Some guy's birthday. Who's that? You'll know later. So, because it's his birthday today, I'll only talk about him in this post.

Before really knowing him, I've always considered him as "one of Ashraf's friends". We hardly even talk. Never had a proper conversation. So my first impression on him? "Who's that? Oh, one of Ashraf's friends who looks like a Chinese and I don't really know him that well" and "This guy is always staying up late at night onlining". Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, we were friends on MSN which was weird. Cause I don't remember adding him and he didn't know how I ended up on his friends' list. Sometimes when I'm about to go offline after chatting with my friend I would be like,"Hey, this guy is always staying up late at night" And I would be wondering how he ended up in my friends' list. Okay fine, there was once when I nearly said "Hi! :D" but I didn't. 'Cause I don't know. I was.. scared? Heh. It just wasn't meant to be that way. Never thought he would be my friend.

June 25th. 5 days after my birthday. Ah he might not remember this. Knowing him, he does not remember a thing from his past~ Moving on, I was alerted by that trademark MSN sound. He finally said hi. Like, seriously? What took you so long? JKJK. So I decided to talk to him. He wasn't pretty bad. We laughed a lot, like really a lot in the first conversation. And I remember needing that kind of laugh really badly. Undeniably, we got along pretty well. Great minds think alike, huh? About him. Honestly, I tell you. I don't know a single thing about him. But he knows a lot about me. Of course, some parts that I revealed. Still. He knows a lot about me! It bugs me that I don't really know much about him. It's just that he refuse to reveal much about himself. Thinks that chicks dig mysterious guys blah blah blah~ So I can't be sure about it. But ah, I'll just say what I "think" I "know".

Appearance-wise, he looks like a Chinese. I mean, even if his skin colour isn't that fair but just look at his eyes! They're... sepet. HAHAHA. Besides, he's short teehee! If only I were a little bit taller.... Ugh and he works out too. Just like any typical guy~ I think he's still on the go in developing abs. He claimed that he already has those packs. Meh. He claimed to have four "wives", which is like, so whatever. *rolls eyes. He's super-duper random. Random like a ball bouncing of the walls. He says one thing and say another the next minute. Which can be such a turn off at times cause I was deep into the previous conversation. Sometimes I just want to take a screwdriver or something, screw his head and find out what the hell is going on his mind. He likes to aggravate me a lot. Sometimes he drives me crazy but I manage keep sane and calm. And when I thought he would tell me something interesting, he would say that he's hungry. He speaks in codes! Sometimes he's just so undecipherable, which pisses me. He wouldn't say what's on his mind. His favourite replies are "ado ah" or "ada lah" or "I was just about to tell you, but now that you said that, fine" ARGH. On the whole, he pisses me a lot. And I don't even know why! He's a bad influence. He said pizza was good for me. So was chocolate. Chocolate. Gives. You. Acne. It's true! 'Cause I've been through it. Okay fine, he's not all that bad. He did say a few good things, a piece of advice about some certain things. Which in the end makes me feel bad again, but his intentions are good. He likes lying to me too. So I wouldn't be surprised if I see another side of him. God! I kept telling myself, no, I will not get annoyed with this guy but some things that he says are like poison darts. -.-

He digs hot chicks. He likes Simple Plan, Paramore, Alesana, Anissa from 'Eyes Set to Kill', Neelofa, Avril Lavigne and so on. He loves Metal, Rock. He loves his white-butted Koala that he loves to show off when we're web-caming. He loves corrupting me. He is forever hungry. There's not a moment where he's not hungry. He loves chicken. Meat, I suppose. He loves.... thighs. Like ugh, okay I should let it hang there. He loves creating his own words. And he's influenced by supernatural things. Like for instance, he told me "empath" was a word. (SEE WHEN I TYPED EMPATH, THERE'S A RED LINE UNDERNEATH IT WHICH MEANS IT'S NOT A WORD FROM THE DICTIONARY) So I checked the dictionary and I couldn't find it! He told me the word originated from the series 'Charmed'. Of course, the word was merely created for the benefits of the series. Still, I had to believe that that word exist for his sake. And another thing, he loves winning! He just wants to win! He never lets me win anything! :( He loves making me wait. I'm patient but I hate being made to wait, you know that! And of course, being a really good girl, I'll wait when he goes 'brb'. When he comes back, I would question him and he would give me his favourite replies like a) Oh, I tengah tidur/rehatkan mata tadi. b) Oh, I tengok tv tadi. c) Oh I tengok bola tadi. d) Oh I main game tadi. e) Oh I tengah makan tadi. f) Oh I buat something tadi. Ado ah. :p So. Exasperating. U SEE WHAT I MEAN?!

Of course, despite all that, he's special and one of a kind. Okay, I wouldn't say this to him on MSN, or on the phone, or even in real life if we meet one day, which I think we will. He'd go all flattered. He's kinda different. And I would like to apologize to him that he met someone who has lots of problems. Who complains a lot. Who has mood swings. I don't know how he did it. I don't know how he listened and dealt with my intolerable demeanor. Now that I think of it, I kind of told him lots of things. Like, my everyday occurrences. Meh, no wonder he knows a lot about me. -.-" Still, talking to him is easy. He's not judgmental and he's open minded. I can talk to him about anything. Somehow we don't really run out of topics. Yeah, cause his mind is always running. He never fails to carve a smile on my face. He never fails to make me roar of laughter. There's always just something that he said or did that made me laugh. Even at my worst. Even if I was angry. Even if my tears were spilling. He was always listening to my problems. He always responded and never ignored me. He was always lending his shoulder to me, figuratively. Always trying to make me feel better. That makes me feel so bad because I wanted to be there for him too. I want to lend my shoulders to him too.

I don't know how to thank him, to be honest. He did so much for me, but I guess he didn't realize it. Thank you for being the best friend I've ever had. Thank you for trying to understand me. Thank you for listening to me. Thank you for tolerating me. Thank you for making me laugh. Thank you, for everything. I'm sorry I've been such a pain in the ass. I'm sorry you have to hear my wailing and complaining. I'm sorry if I'm constantly annoying you. I'm sorry if I'm always angry at you. I'm sorry for burdening you. What I'm trying to say is that you make me feel as if I have somebody, even if it is indirectly. And truth be told, I don't ever want you to change and be like others. To have the same fate as others in my journey who left me. But of course, that's entirely up to God and you yourself. Even if you did leave one day, I hope you remember me. Just so you know, you mean a lot to me, in case you don't know that.

Happy 15th Birthday, Nik Nur Iman bin Nik Abdul Rashid bin Nik Abdul Majid. May Allah bless you forever and always. I hope you had a blast. I wish you the best in everything you do and be supportive and proud of every (positive) thing you do, always. I hope we stay friends until we grow up okay? :p

P/s : 500 words? Please. The words up above are 1508 words long about you! I didn't tell you that I could go up until a thousand but heh, I wouldn't want to tell you that. Why should I? *flips hair.

That step

2011-12-27T10:47:00.000-08:00

So I'm back from Malacca and all. It was all right. Went for the Malacca River Cruise, rode on a Ferris-wheel and the next day went to the Jonker Street and had a brief visit at Kampung Morten. I had a really horrendous cold at night. And I mean, a really really really terrible one. I couldn't inhale as my nose was too dry and when I do inhale through my nose, I couldn't stand the cold air that rushed into my nose. And it hurt like hell. I couldn't sleep. What more my sister and my nephew kept pushing me. How was I to sleep with such little space and with such temperature?! So I decided not to sleep. I only slept for one hour. I took a hot shower after that. After the visit at Kampung Morten, we went home. Home sweet home. Nothing beats home. I mean, sure, other places and overseas are great but it'll never feel like home where you can look at your worst and not care about it. Where you can spread your legs wide open in front of the TV and no one will care. Okay, so maybe that's just me, but you get the whole idea.

I finally went to school and bought my school stuff. Also, I redeemed by RM100! Like, finally! Oh cash. $_$ My sister always wondered what will I do-what will I buy-with that much amount of money. Honestly, I don't intend on spending it because I figured it'd be a waste. Clothes? Sure, but I have my budget. Food? I'll defecate them eventually lol. Small little things? Nah, I wouldn't even remember they exist as time goes on. So, I think it's best if I keep it for the future. It's not easy earning money anyway. I need to spend them wisely. Besides, I feel very contented if I know that I have money. If I think my money is depleting, I'd go all insecure and couldn't stop thinking about it and how to earn more money. Okay.. guess I'm just plain weird. I went to Sunway afterwards. Shopping, but I only shopped for one piece of clothing. My sister used up most of the money. But that's fine with me. I went to Tropicana City Mall at night. Watched Mission: Impossible 4, the Ghost Protocol. It was good.

Overall, I've been good. It's good that big shit happened at the start of November. Because I had plenty of time to pick up the pieces. Mind you, I move on from a certain thing quick. Though the damage dealt was humongous. Cause I'm a realist and I can't linger in the fantasy for long. Sure, I had been broken-hearted now and then but then again, that's life. Even if I try to get used to it, it's a waste of time. Because you know you'll never get used to it. Because every time the pain hits you again, it hurts you so much. I'm not just talking about being cheated by your girl or guy, or anybody, but in every way that you could possibly imagine. So, I'll acknowledge it. For now, I had learnt another valuable lesson. Heck, I do learn something everyday. But now I just want to look straight ahead and not look back. Cause what's left remains there. What's broken could not be fixed. No matter how hard you try to fix it, it still is broken. And there's no point keeping a grudge or holding back your anger for someone. I apologize. Whatever you do to me, I forgive you. I always will but I just want you to know your mistakes and not do it again. Sure, I talk as if it's the easiest thing on Earth. But really. I do forgive you. I'm not directly saying this to a specific person, I'm talking in general. I am forgiving. Just don't take that for granted. Though I have to warn you, things will not be the same.

A new beginning awaits. To inhale a fresh breath of air. To let the past be the past. To start a new beginning and a new journey that's unclear ahead. I think, I'm ready to take that step.

Best day

2011-12-22T08:43:00.000-08:00

I changed my layout again because the previous one was too... sombre. Hey, even I couldn't stand it. Now, it's a little bit more... cheerful? Okay so let me tell you how the best day in 2011 went.

5 in the morning. I tossed and turned but I just couldn't get myself to sleep. So my predictions were true. I didn't get a wink of sleep. Well, the situation was worsened by me drinking coffee before that too. Okay honestly, coffee don't really have an effect on me. In fact, it makes me even sleepier since it contains milk. Well, I'd like to think that I managed to survived partly because of the coffee. But I knew that it's in me. I was a nervous wreck. The thought of getting my results just couldn't leave my mind and it successfully left some negative effects on me like a) not being able to sleep, b) butterflies in my stomach and c) the nausea. I really felt like throwing up.

After Subuh prayers, I immediately head to the toilet and get a warm one hour shower and after that I fit myself into my school uniform. Hell, I felt extremely jittery. I couldn't stop walking back and forth, with so many mixed feelings and fears running on my mind. It was good to be reunited with my friends. Still, that didn't ease that heart-wrenching feeling I got. My face was etched with deep nervousness. I thought it was obvious. Very actually. It's as if I had a big sign floating on top of my head saying "Hey, just look at how this ridiculous, nervous girl biting her nails!" People kept telling me I could do it. But I didn't want to believe it. Because nothing is what you expect. Because anything can just happen.

I was just sitting and talking to Lea when Divya came up to me and brought me somewhere. I was chosen to be interviewed! Awesome. So there was a ruckus after that. Everybody was panicking when they announced that it's time to get our results. Some of my friends got their slip already. I was just as confused. Why hadn't I gotten mine yet? And how come a big portion of my friends haven't got theirs too? Our headmistress told us to form a line near the seats. Okay, I honestly thought and felt that we were getting straight A's. But I didn't want to lift my expectations.

And then it's my turn. They called my name. I went up the stage and received my slip. I looked at my slip. A string of A's! I was beyond excited. I was in glee. I was utterly psyched. There was nothing in the world that mattered anymore. And I kept thanking Allah in my heart all the time. When I got down, I was practically shouting and shrieking in glee with my friends. I was jumping about like a bunny. Many cameras took a shot of my ecstatic face. I guess they could feel the aura of excitement and the vibe I was emanating. I wouldn't be surprised if I found my face right up at the first page of the newspaper the next morning. I was everywhere. And then I took my moment and sujud syukur right on the ground. I had never felt so relieved, so thankful and so grateful. I will never be the same.

The interview wasn't that bad. But before that some cameraman took a shot of us and asked us to "pretend" to talk about our results. So we made this phony fake lame conversation where we just laughed and laughed. I'd have to say we pulled it off well. I was asked to speak Malay during the interview and God, it felt awkward. I don't know why. I had troubles trying to speak in front of the camera in Malay language. Which was so weird. But oh well, I just crapped what it feels like needed to be crapped. My mum and I were kind of the last people in the school. After I received my slip I just couldn't stop smiling that my cheeks hurt! I didn't even feel sleepy or whatever. I guess my excitement overpowered the rest of my emotions.

It was a good day. Actually, kind of the best day in 2011. It wasn't the best-party-or-hangout-ever or wham-bam-I'm-in-love kind of thing. I was very very grateful to Allah SWT. Without Him, I'm nothing.

To all those who didn't get what they really wanted or expected, do not give up. There's a good and solid reason to everything. God doesn't give disappointment just to hurt you. There's a message and a lesson to it. Sometimes God doesn't give you what you want is because you are tested to be patient and something better awaits you in the future than what you really wanted. Be patient. For God loves those who are very patient. Sabar itu separuh daripada Iman. Never stop believing in Him. (:

I'm kind of feeling tipsy and dizzy. I should get some shut-eye.

Empty

2011-12-20T07:09:00.000-08:00

"Why are people walking out on me one by one? Am I that much of a freak?"

PMR result in less than two days. I feel jittery as the days are coming closer to Thursday. Now everything is up to God. Honestly, I'm not putting my hopes up. Because anything can happen. It's kind of putting a pressure on me because of some reasons I shall not share. But oh well. Let's always hope for the best. Whatever happens, happens. It's irreversible. Okay, let's not talk about this anymore.

Hm, I've been feeling... empty lately. I just want to head off to Melaka.

Will you still love me tomorrow?

2011-12-13T11:23:00.000-08:00

I can do it. I can be really egocentric. I can just reveal the thing that made me really angry and exasperated right here, right now. Because when I'm in an egregious mood, I tend to do things that are hurtful to others without having a second thought. But now I'm consenting myself to have a second thought. I'm resisting myself to post that evidence, a picture, of which that made me fly into a rage. That really scratched my heart so badly. Why? Because I don't want to make you feel bad. Because I don't want to wrangle and have rows with you. Because I don't want to be awkwardly ostracized by your "pack". I still manage to be patient. I still manage to control my anger. I hate being overpowered by anger because anger makes me weak. And wild. This thing happened about a week ago but surprisingly, I stumbled upon it. I practically balked when I saw it. I guess God wanted to show me something. Now, I can't do anything about it. Because I don't want any inauspicious things to occur.

It sucks, because I can't do anything about it and you don't even know what are your mistakes. I have to hold back my feelings and suppress my anger. Act like nothing happened. I know, I know. It is a simple thing. A really small thing. But you know what? Small things matter more to me. They may seem discrete and irrelevant in your eyes, but not to mine. Although you indirectly apologize publicly, not privately to me, it's inexcusable. Because you should already know by now that I'm a very grim person. I take things seriously. Little things. And I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm emotional. I mean, like seriously, how could you forget me? It's been two years. But you matter and only think of those who you've just met just because they make you feel better and shower all their attention to you. I'm sorry that I'm a very mundane person, but I can't do anything about that. That's who I am. Give or take.

It has always been like this, hasn't it? You will never know what you did because you're not the one on the receiving end. You don't know what real heartbreak means to you. You haven't experienced it. And I guess, now I know how Khavisha feels. I mean, before, I did understand what she told me and I somewhat agree to it. But I never really, truly, knew what it felt like. Now it's my turn. Let's come clean. The feeling sucks. It sucked on so many levels. Because I value you. I treasure you. And this is what you did to me? I'm always taking care of your feelings. I rarely hurt your feelings or call you things that might hurt you. I'm always the one pleasing you. I mean, enough already. At least you have your "pack". Look at me. I have no one. No one to go through this shit. I only have God to rely on whereas you have a lot of people. Because if I tell some people, they would go speechless and tell me to chill or wave it off. I've been through it a thousand times. Why put myself to go for another crappy step? Believe me. Why? As I said. They're not the one on the receiving end. They don't exactly know how you're feeling. I mean, I have enough things to balance in my two hands already. Enough shit already.

To crown it all, I feel so strayed. No one would go to me because I reject their offers. But they don't know the exact reason why I reject them. But I guess, I live in a very judgmental world. And so, my friends stopped coming to me and stopped inviting me to go anywhere or whatsoever. Because honestly, don't deny it. You guys ultimately plan things without asking me. You guys don't even take a look at me to see how I'm feeling about it. Oh yeah, sure. Why worry? Because Zaza always go with the flow. Because Zaza always put this broad smile of hers. Because Zaza always look okay. Because you always say "just leave her alone". Let me tell you something. I'm not okay. The reason why I don't tell you how I truly feel, is because you won't take it into consideration and label me as a "whining kid". I'm just sick. I'm so sick. Now everything is out, you should know. Don't go to me asking me stuff like "are you okay" or telling me "I'm sorry". Because I don't want an apology that's temporary which had no effect on you. I don't want any single one of your sympathies.

I'm angry. Yes, now I'm truly angry. Now it's bursting out. My feelings and anger burst out like fireworks after I had been bottling them for so long. I want to take a glass. And break it with my own two hands. I know that fragments of the glass will prick and pierce into my skin. I know my hands will be bloodied. And God, by the look of it, it's a blatant fact that it hurts and it's painful. The people around me, my friends, will then ask me. "Are you okay?" "Are you all right?" "Omg, why did you do that? Are you insane?" At that point, I will laugh out. I will laugh out so loud that they think I'm lunatic. But I'm not. And they don't know that what I'm feeling inside, is much painful. The internal hurts more than the external. Much painful than being injured by the glass. And I laugh because it's funny how when they actually see something that's painful physically, only then they will stop and ask if I'm okay, I'm all right. But they don't see the things that they don't see through their naked eyes. Don't see beyond imagination. Don't see and feel what's inside, what hurts me more. And they didn't, wouldn't, even stop to ask how I truly feel. What an irony. But isn't life and everything in it so ironic?

400th

2011-12-11T11:42:00.000-08:00

Lea and I made plans before today about going out with er, somebody on the 11th. And I was like, why not? I knew how bad she wanted to see him and I secretly wanted too but I guess she probably knew that already. It's been a long time since I saw him. I was hoping he'd said yes but I didn't really put much hope into it. She tried contacting him but to no avail. I think he's in overseas since it's unusual of him to not reply her texts. I knew it was too good to be true. Well, for her and maybe for me. So today turned out to be pretty well. I was eating spaghetti for breakfast and I'm like, why is she late? I called her and she said she woke up late and she'll be at my house soon. -.- So my mum sent us and all. It was great. Just the both of us in Sunway. Perfect time to bond and stuff.

We headed towards TGV and decided to watch Ombak Rindu. The movie starts at 2 so we decided to fill our stomach at Pizza Hut. Given the vouchers.. We were searching for the Ice-rink (cause it's near to Pizza Hut) and when we finally found it, we realized we were walking near that area before! How silly! -.- We took the lift (I don't usually take the lift but ah heck) and went to Pizza Hut. When we were there, the lady was like, "Please wait for the seats," And she was taking a photograph of a group of teenagers. I was like, what the heck? Lea said "Do we really want to eat here?" I said "No". So we headed for McDonalds instead. As usual, there were no seats! Typical. I was like, "Where to now?" Guess where we sat? We sat on a bench. Yeah, the one with the statue of Ronald posing with that big-dopey-clowny grin. She was like, "Fuck, there's no seat. Just sit here and pretend as if it's a normal thing to do," I wanted to cover and bury my scarlet face inside my hand but I took her word for it and just acted cool. Like it was the coolest thing two insane 15 year old girls would do. When I looked back at that incident, it was damn funny. Strange but funny occurrences happened too.We saw a kid, say about 7 years old, doing a freaking cartwheel in a shopping mall? Lea and I stopped talking and took a brief glance at him and we started laughing our asses off.

Clock was ticking and we made our way towards TGV. I couldn't go through a movie without popcorn. So anyway, we ordered "Combo 2" which was supposed to be one large popcorn with two mineral water. I wanted some other drink but that was under additional. We got our popcorn and my drink but not our two mineral water. We were like, "What the hell lady, where are our drinks?!" We were puzzled until Lea was like, "Hey look, there's two cokes there, I think that's for us. Silly, it is for us!" She took those drinks and poke the straws into the holes whilst laughing her ass off. I was staring at her and said "Dude.. Combo 1 is a large popcorn with 2 cokes, but see, the thing is, we ordered Combo 2, not 1..." And there was an old man next to us standing awkwardly. She hesitantly put those two drinks at one corner and said "You're right... Er, let's just leave it there...." I was like "WTF! Are you serious?!?!" She awkwardly fled from the place while grabbing my hand. Me, being curious, looked back and it turned out the two cokes were supposed to be for that old man! I bet he was just as puzzled as we were. Imagine if somebody took your drink, bring it to an awkward corner and "helped" poke a straw in it and awkwardly decided to leave it there awkwardly at a very awkward corner. You'd obviously think the person was nuts! Lea and I were laughing while entering the hall. We made a quick trip to the bathroom. She needed to use the loo while I just needed to check my hair and stuff. Even so, we were laughing like mad while she was peeing. HAHA.

The movie was great. It was a sad movie yet romantic. I believe that every character in that movie sacrificed something. Anyway, love is sacrificial. Every scene was just as important too. We sat at the most front sit so we had to chin up a bit. But that's all right. It's funny how in every scene where any of the character cried or went ballistic, Lea and I laughed our ass off. It wasn't that we were against it. It was just that, they made it so dramatic and some of the lines were funny as well. Lea laughed the hardest and a girl next to us was giving us weird looks. But it was the best Malay movie ever made. To us. We went to Starbucks after the movie. We ordered the same drink which was Caramel Frap. So when we grabbed our drinks and as we were leaving to sit outside, the counter guy said "Bye, Za! :D" I was weirded out for a moment but just waved and mouthed bye as well. We were chilling and the scenery of Sunway Lagoon was amazing. Plus, the Sun was at its best position. It was a picturesque scenery. She talked about life and death but I was too distracted by a group of immature boys winking and whooping at us. Or at least, at me, because Lea had her back facing them. So we decided to move. She talked and talked and was depressed by the fact that he failed to join us. Or give us a reply. She imagined him beside her, telling me how great it would be if he was here and blaming him but oh well, his absence was the only thing present with us. It just wasn't meant to be.

We went to search for some piece of clothing but my mum was on her way to pick us. So yeah. We went back home, fatigued and she hung out in my room. Talking about stuff and then singing our lungs out. She did an arch on the floor too. -.- Around 9.20 p.m. she left. What a day. I enjoyed myself just being with her. Like, a moment with my best friend. Oh and guess what? We bumped into Maha while we were waiting for my mum! HAHA. So yeah, that's about it. I had a great time today. I actually laughed so hard today! And it's not something that I do on a daily basis. At least I wasn't stuck at home and was enjoying my time with my best friend. (:

Just another love scene

2011-12-08T06:42:00.000-08:00

I don't really recall the clear picture of the first time I met you. At least, not in detail. The moment and the time was vague. But it just happened. Oh it happened, all right. The Heavens were a pure blue and the Sun had a golden hew. Fluffy, lazy clouds drifted and covered the morning sky. Sparrows from the east flew towards my view. All heard the nature sound of life and also felt the wind breezing through the trees. It was a beautiful morning. Just another typical day, but beautiful. I could smell the breath of fresh air. I could hear the distinctive sound of the dawn chorus despite the brouhaha that occurred around me. A brand new start. I felt love had come. I was a girl of fourteen. I was young, naive and what more, a fool-hardy. I was erratic. I would usually be the one staring into space while the rest of my friends conversed with each other. Being a Gemini, I can't really silence the sounds in my head. I don't believe in astrology and zodiacs but I can never halt the thoughts that meander, the whispers and the progeny of cacophony that's going around my head. So I let my eyes wander about.. And they stopped.

They landed on you. Thud. Thud. Thud. I could feel my heart palpitating rapidly. Hammering against my chest. The noise inside of my head vanished. Time stood still. I sat there, transfixed. Completely bewitched, mesmerized and awe-struck. The flowers spread their beauty everywhere. But he. He spread his beauty to my heart. Nothing which my eyes saw could match his loveliness. He was irrevocably beautiful. To me, at least. He was tall and lean. He had deep, enticing brown eyes and tousled brown hair. I saw light in his eyes like the angels of heaven. When he smiles, there was enough time for his charms to jolt every cell in my body. He was pristine and immaculate in my eyes. But there was more to it. There was more to his enthralling looks. He looked so carefree and serene. Free, even though there was something that might be troubling him. Free as a bird. As if he did not have a care in the world. As if nothing was troubling him. His spirit felt pure. I envied him for that. I wish I could more like him. So many feelings, so many thoughts that ran through my head afterwards, I couldn't believe the effects he had on me. But I know what happened to me. As cheesy at it may sound, I had fallen in love with him. So effortlessly. So breathtakingly. This is love, at first sight, I thought.

To win your love was my destiny. Courage and determination was all I need to get you as my love. I had a dream and may God grant it. And so began, the tale of a brand new life and a new arduous journey a fourteen year old girl has yet to unravel...

To be continued.

Saturday

2011-12-04T07:31:00.000-08:00

So last Saturday. My recital. The day before Lea informed me, at 2 in the morning, saying that she'll be following me to Amcorp. I'm like, dude, why so late? My dad's sleeping! Of course, 2 is early for me. So the next morning I was just checking my hair out while waiting for my dad. The doorbell rang and I thought it was my dad. But it was her! I thought she was joking. I told my dad and all. He didn't mind. He was excited. She dressed like she was about to go to the beach for a surf or something. I went there in a blood-red dress. Everyone turned up wearing either black or white but I in red. Hey, I thought there were no dress colour code! Needless to say, I was pretty much striking. My teacher said "Christmas spirit!". Oh bother. Well, at least bunch of guys checked me out lol. And I made friends there. Lea was there throughout my show. She stood up every time it was my turn to play. When every thing ended, she kept saying that every body kept praising me for my playing and that she was really proud of me. She told me she wouldn't be jealous of me because I am already a part of her. My achievements are also her achievements. And that's the moment when I finally said to myself, she's my best friend. Not just best friend. A true friend.

I know I should be yakking away about the entire show. But there was something else that happened during the day. My father brought Lea and I somewhere to eat. After that he dropped us back home. So Lea and I had this bonding/confession session. My room was flooded with yellow rays of sunlight but the surrounding was cold. Air-conditioner. Ha Ha Ha. We were both lying on the bed. She was acid, I was alkali. Mixed together to form neutral! When she was the talker, I was the listener. She was north, I was south. We are so different on so many levels. Extremely. Maybe that's why we're so compatible. Plus, we've known each other for 11 years. My family loves her. Everything was perfect. Until this one topic was brought up. Well, that topic didn't crack or ruin our friendship, pft. But somehow it just made her feel so low and at the bottom. She claimed that I'm so perfect and she can't even begin to compare. Yeah. "Perfect". She was sorry that she stole and fell for him. She kept saying that I wasn't completely over him. She professed that I was the perfect girl for him and that I deserve him better than she does. I tried to convince her that I wasn't "perfect" and I told her that she was better in many ways than I am. Heck, she's a better talker than I am. A great one, in fact. And a great actor too. But I secretly know she coveted the fact that I will be performing in KLPAC. Well she's happy for me, that I don't mind.

But I just wished that she would stop putting herself so low when she's around me. Can't she see that she has so many qualities in her than I do? Can't she see that she's a treasure trove? One in a million? Cause she is. Whereas I'm just a mediocre. With a little added weird details here and there. After that I decided to drop that topic and we just had fun for awhile. Then her mum picked me up. I was surfing the net for awhile. Around 2 in the morning I received a text from her. No, I mean, she text me around 10? But I only got it when I switched my phone on. It says,

"Damn, still got carried away by that bloody topic. Slowly dying from the inside and gradually falling apart. Nih salah lu dowh bikin gua jiwang.. I mean it's okay if I can't have it, because for every reason you deserve everything more than I do. As much as it will break the deep soul in me, nothing can make me happier than knowing you're happy having what you always wanted, because no matter what, you'll always be a part of me. Sooner or later, I must learn to let go even if it will hurt me the most. I've accepted the fact that regardless on how hard I try to be greater than you in anyways, I'll still remain as just another extra person. Sumpah sehh, gua tengah nangis, thinking back about just now buat gua sentimental gilerr.. Serious shit memang salah dia. Lol.. Bukanlah sekadar titisan namun curahan air mata yang tiada diketahui mana hentinya membasahi pipi yang tidak seayu wajah serimu.. Pehh, ayat power but I do mean it.,"

"I've accepted the fact that regardless on how hard I try to be greater than you in anyways, I'll still remain as just another extra person"?! What the fuck?! She will never be just another extra person. She's my best friend! Oh God. Reading this text makes me sick. It makes my stomach churn even more.

Sketch

2011-12-01T09:07:00.000-08:00

Hey guys. I was bored so I started drawing again. I slept at 7.30 a.m. yesterday. Can you believe it? Haha tell me what you think, will you? (:

Realist

2011-11-29T09:31:00.000-08:00

Look what Lea text me:

"An ounce of discretion is worth a pound of wit" - Sometimes it is better not to do or say anything in a situation. Let the situation pass. If we act or say anything, it will make matters worse. Boys will be boys. We cannot expect 'young' boys to act responsibly like adults. They like to play only! Every dark cloud has a silver lining. Umpama kuda gemar berlari, lambat laun kenal juga erti berhenti. Everything comes to those who wait. Man proposes, God disposes. Sometimes, the results are exactly opposite of what we want :)"

I don't know where she found that. Or maybe she made that up in her head and join a few others together. But it's perfect. Just enough to make me smile for the day. But I know for a fact that some things just don't go your way, or the way you thought it should be or would be. I don't want to be a pessimist, but I'm a realist. Lea fantasizes. While she loves building crazy and incomprehensible assumptions, I like to believe in the indisputable. I like to think realistically and logically. Well, both of us have always been different. Opposites attract, I guess? I know some people just can't stand being around her for even a second. I mean, they don't have to tell me, it's written all over their faces. Plus, I can read some people's faces. Some people just don't get how I can stand her for...11 years? I don't know, you tell me. She intrigues me even though we oppose each other. We can curse each other without being offended. Oh, same goes with Farihin too.

Growing up, my parents never deluded me with these story of fantasies, or anything ridiculous like magic. I found out Cinderella stories and the Little Mermaid all by myself. Through television. I don't go all fan-girl on some hot rookie artists or actors. Or boy bands. What's the point? They'll never notice you throughout your lifetime anyway. Unless you actually go to Hollywood, become famous and what-not. But I do believe in fate and destiny. Maybe that is why Lea is frequently more upset than me. I truly loathe false hopes. What is the point in believing lies? It's better if you just slap my face and wake me up to face the reality. I'd rather be broken than being bamboozled and beguiled. Shattered hopes are better than false ones. When I was younger, I witnessed a lot of disappointments from my family, my friends and others. They put too much hope. They set the bar so high and when their hopes don't meet their expectations, they crumble. I don't want to be like that. So I live my life with that concept. Never hope to much, nil desperandum (never despair). Maybe that's the reason why my mother calls me a heartless. Maybe that's why people think I have a low-self esteem.

Lets see. I'm not a pessimist but an optimist who is a realist and the same time, is an opportunist. Complicated? Sometimes, I take advantage of what's happening around me. I can be mean at times. Oh well. Did I mention that I have a recital coming up? Or maybe I should just call it a show. At Amcorp mall, around one-ish. I will be playing the violin for most songs and the piano just to accompany the little ones. Rumor has it that some hot guy from La Salle is going to be playing the piano to accompany some girl that has a crush on him. Even my teacher said that he was quite handsome. I guess I'll find out this Saturday. A hot guy from La Salle? That means I have got to be friends with him! Well, depends on the situation. If I won't chicken out. If he's friendly. If my dad doesn't bother me. If his crush do not tear me into pieces. Oh yeah, I made friends too. With a chinese girl. Her name is Jess. She's 18 but she kind of reminds me of Sau Mun. Cute but daring. :p

I've been thinking about this. Should I continue playing the piano? Because I really need to save up. Which means giving up either the violin or the piano. Most people will be, "Give up the Violin! You can't play much pop songs with it," Well, frankly, that's not the point. Music is not about playing the music only from these eras. Such narrow-minded people. I don't mind playing classical. In fact, I love classical music. Besides, I'm better on the violin than the piano. I don't know why. It's most probably because I didn't truly grasp the basics. And buying a piano. An upright piano is just so expensive. My mother doesn't expect me to continue music too... So if I do buy it, then in two years time, it'll be a waste. Sure, I can play it when I want to or come home from university but.. I know I won't be giving up the violin. It's portable anyway. I think I'll have to give up learning the piano. Help. What do you think? :\

I don't know where I got this musical/art genes. I know my dad plays the guitar. Who sings? My mom? Well, her voice isn't that bad so... But among everybody, I'm the most "musical". I draw well too. My art is not bad. My other sisters are just.... not into this artsy stuff. But at the same time, I love Science too. Who's interested in Science in my family?! Only me... My mum's not that much of a science person. So isn't my dad. I think I developed my own interests in things! Call me weird. I'll take that as a compliment.

The Truth

2011-11-26T09:58:00.000-08:00

I was back from reading Kayna's blog when I realized something. Her last sentence caught my eye. It's strange how I've always stumbled upon this typical line but never put it into thought. We always push people who truly love/care about you and end up chasing someone who do not really appreciate you for who you are. Why? Because of some factors that blinded us. Looks. Status. Money. Etc. Now I know all of you probably realized it since a millennium ago. I mean, I've heard of this line before but did you guys just nod and shrug, or give it a deeper thought? Maybe it means something more than just a sentence. We all should read in between the lines. Just imagine, if all of us could learn to love without looking at these things. Just imagine, if all us learn to love from the heart to the heart. Just imagine if people could learn to love another because of who they truly are, not because of what they possess. Should all of these conditions are fulfilled, I'm sure this world would be a beautiful place to live in. People won't have to suffer. People won't have to be oppressed continuously. People could live a better life. Every individual will gain their right.

But I guess, that's not how things work. That's not how life works. Life is a bunch of challenges and hardships. I know that. But... We look down on people who are less fortunate in looks than us. Instead, we give special treatments to those who are a lot prettier/handsomer. We denigrate people with a lower status, be it financially or socially. We oppress people who live in poverty. We wouldn't even think of lending a hand to them and/or mix with them. For instance. There's a girl. A typical wild girl who have lost all respects from others and had lost her pride and dignity too because of her previous actions. Now she's all alone, living in contempt. Friendless. With no one to talk to and with people mouthing off bad remarks to her incessantly. Only to be accompanied by beads of tears. Why can't they lend her a hand? Why can't they be friends with her, just like they could with others? Why do they steer clear of her? Why? Because we are afraid that those kind of people might affect our standards. We're afraid that we might lose it all; the glamour, the name. We're afraid to drop and fall. Of course, who would want that? But until that extent, where you treat others who are less unfortunate so unjustly? Is it so difficult to just give her your handkerchief? Everybody deserves happiness. Everybody deserves the best for themselves. Everybody deserves a second chance. I know. Who are we to decide what others deserve? It's undeniably all up to God.

Why do our judgments always get affected and clouded by rumors and what other people have to say? We are scared. Yes. Scared of what other people think of us. Scared of making a fool out of ourselves. Scared that we might not fit in in this ugly society. No matter how much we deny it, I'm sure everyone has felt the same way too. It's just that they are too scared to talk about it. Too scared of being called sensitive. (Just so you know, being a little bit sensitive is good. Especially with our surroundings. Sensitivity is a lot better than insensitivity) Scared of the consequences. Tragic. Sometimes I wish I could make things different. I wish I could stand up and make a difference for humanity sake. But I guess these things are just beyond my control. We can't control other people's needs. And even if I, or somebody else, did something to make all hell break loose, some rascal would probably begin the chain again and the cycle repeats. Tests of life, you tell me. But I know that people can change given the right actions. I wish to at least make an impact. A good one, if not the best. But maybe, I'm just too scared after all. Living in this domain filled with fragments from hell, we have the logical right to be afraid.

But at least, I'm doing something. Like posting this post. Even if it doesn't make much difference. At least, I could deliver this message to all readers who read my blog. Maybe they will stop and give it a deeper thought. Maybe, just maybe, at the very least, I am indirectly helping them to open their eyes-slowly but not immediately-to everything. I believe, that there's Bad no matter how good a person can be, and there's always Good inside a bad person.

Good?

2011-11-23T04:11:00.000-08:00

I read my posts from 2009 and 2010. Man. I was a different person back then. Someone who loved to joke around. Someone who was bubbly. Someone who would do things without second thoughts. Someone who was immature. Even my photos. I looked so young. I mean, I looked more childish back then. Now, I'm sombre. I'm serious. I would think hard about things that matter to me. I'm more matured but not fully matured. Wow. I really did go through a transformation, didn't I? So.. I wonder if my personality changed as well. But no worries. I know when to joke. :}

Hey guys, how are you doing? Surprisingly, I'm good. I don't what has gotten into me yesterday. Slept at around 6.a.m.. I woke up and I felt somewhat better. Isn't that weird? Well. I guess I get over things fast. I don't like them to get in the way. In my way. Or maybe I'm just good in hiding them. I don't know, you decide. To tell you the truth, I have nothing to do at home currently. No plans, whatsoever. Even if there are plans, it's indoors. Who's included? Only me. I'll only go out with the people I want and those who are reliable. I know most of my friends aren't reliable so.. I see the condition as well, whether it's conducive or not. But basically, I'm just here at home. And nope, I'm not complaining. (:

Curse

2011-11-21T09:01:00.000-08:00

"On average, a normal person laughs about 15 times"

Therefore I'm not normal. I think I only laughed once today. Or was it twice? Somewhere there. I haven't been in contact with anyone. Here I am thinking, where the fuck are the people who told me they'd always be there for me no matter what? I don't want to be the one who'll always tell people stuff like, "Gee, I'm sad today. Would you care to cheer me up?" And they'll bombard with questions and all that shit. After that, like they give a fuck right. And I'm so sick of people telling me like "Why are you so damn emo?" Dude, I'm not fucking emotional. You don't know what I'm going through, so I recommend you to shut up. "Chill, okay?" Fuck you and your chill. Frankly, telling someone to "chill" is probably the best way to make anyone feel angrier. I'd like to meet someone who can tell just by looking at me in the eyes that I'm not okay. But I guess I'm never going to find someone like that. No such people exist.

Hell, we live in reality, not fantasy. And truth is, the reality is actually a very sick place to be in. What does the word 'friends' mean anyway? What the fuck is the definition of 'friendship' and 'love'? Love is just a pile of fucking bullshit. Love is blind. Love is a complete waste of feeling. People give love a bad name. People betray each other. People break promises. People lie to each other. People never come clean. People hurt each other. People are selfish. People are a bunch of hypocrites. But hey, that's life, right? And here's the awful thing. I'm one of "people" too. I wish I was born pure and uncontaminated. But again, people, are beings that are often easily influenced. We see people with big houses. We want those too. We see people own so many cars. We want em too. We see the majority of our friends choosing the same answer. We go for it too. You see, it's not that hard to understand. It's not rocket science.

Honestly, I don't want to be a pessimist (since I'm an optimist. Well most of the time) but I think I'm becoming one. My life is a total facsimile of a mundane world and an equality of a sham. I'm just waiting for days to pass by. I feel so damn worthless. The only best thing that ever happened to me is sleep and pray. Sleep is tranquil. Sleep is a sweet, temporary escape. Praying is serene. I know I shouldn't say this, but sometimes why am I born? I feel so damn meaningless. My life is meaningless. Nothing illuminates my days anymore. No one cares to entertain me. So why bother anymore? If this goes on, it's better if I got admitted into a hospital. I can act like a patient. Now I just feel like a detainee being detained in a prison. Or, or some kind of a dismal princess who's chained in her castle. A damsel in distress, yes.

No one bothers to start a conversation with me because you know why? I'm so boring. I'm so uninteresting. I'm so imperfect. I have too many flaws. I'm useless. I'm meaningless. I'm worthless. I'm wrong. I'm so- whatever negative adjectives that exist in this world. I'm just so angry, so full of rage, yet so lonely and so sad. How amusing. How fucking amusing! I don't know how I'm doing this. I don't know how I'm coping with this. How I still survive. I'm enraged. Hopeless. I don't know what to do. I just don't know.

What I do know is I appreciate everyone who cared for me. Who took the initiative to know what's going on. Even though I'm seething and enraged. Thank you, really, thank you.

Still. That won't solve or make my problems go away. So basically, I'm in distress every single day.

Let's fly

2011-11-21T04:41:00.000-08:00

I got :

1) Funny

2) Beautiful

3) Broken

You got that last part right.

Yusrry

2011-11-19T13:09:00.000-08:00

Left in solitary and overpowered by the feeling of ennui yesterday. My dad sent my sister to Penang. She's starting her college life already. At least my room won't be in a haphazard state. I was in immense boredom and I was a lone star, like the Sun. My hair was disheveled and I didn't eat much either. I ate rice the size of my fist. My sister cooked spaghetti but it didn't really fill my stomach. I drank water for the rest of the day. I went online a few times. There was nothing on. TV sucked as well. Books? Nothing fascinating. I didn't feel like reading either. No one text/called me too. It was one heck of a lonely day. I had no one to talk to. With a face etched with loneliness and sorrow, I watched TV at around 10 and at midnight, I went online.

That's when I realized that my night sucked like hell. I was talking to Yusrry. I was thankful that he talked to me. He was asking me if I was okay. I just said I'm fine and all that stuff. And then I burst into tears after a sudden feeling of exhaustion. I just couldn't take it any longer. What more when someone bashed me on Facebook. Someone bashed me and someone betrayed my trust. Apoplectic, yes, but I've never felt so devastated. I cried. How long has it been since I cry over these kind of matters? I never really cried over something discrete. I speculated that maybe I can't be ignorant about my problems any longer. I cried in front of Yusrry (not literally, but virtually). I didn't mean to kvetch and snivel but I just needed somebody to turn to. And by somebody, I meant someone who would actually hear me and help me without any hidden agendas or hoping anything in return. Someone who comes to me without having me to beseech them to listen to me. I spilled everything to him. He told me to cry it out. He told me to stop holding back my true feelings and tears. It's true. I suppressed my feelings and resisted my fears a lot. He consoled and cooled me. Damn, he was good at it. I felt instantly better. His words, they made a lot sense. He imbued me. I recovered ever so slightly. And what more, he is a joker himself and we're really compatible.

We yakked and yakked until four o'clock. He realized he had a class early in the morning. So I bade him goodnight. Thank you, Yusrry. I don't know how to thank you. You're the best 'shit-buddy' buddy and MANG anyone could ask for. Who'd ever thought that you'd be the one I share my problems with. I appreciate it. It's nice to know that someone actually cares. Someone who listens and wants to help me. And I told him, him listening to me and making me happy was good enough. Thank you, again. You're the highlight of the night. If you ever need anything, I'll always try my best to aid and help you.

I expected last night to be brilliant and fruitful. A night of victory and revelry. A night when I could claim my total freedom. But I couldn't have been any more wrong. I was lonely and directionless. All my plans didn't work out and nothing matched my expectations. I thought I could talk to my friends but only some boys talked to me. And what, they just bother about my looks. Like, go to hell. It has been like days in yore since I actually gave permission for my tears to fall because of my own share of problems. But I guess, it's okay. When words fail, tears speak. That's life and patience is key. These kind of things make me even tougher. Never ever forget Allah, even during happy times, and I will never be forgotten. He told me that. Very encouraging. And I will cling to these meaningful words for as long as I still live and breathe. Until the very day, I cease to exist.

2011-11-18T08:27:00.000-08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NADIAH SALEHA! <3

HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT BIRTHDAY WITH YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY.

YOU'RE ONE HELL OF A GREAT GIRL. NO WORDS CAN DESCRIBE YOUR BEAUTIFUL SELF. YOU'RE WONDERFUL AND AMAZING. BELIEVE IT AND NEVER STOP BELIEVING. FULL STOP. PERIOD.

End

2011-11-18T08:15:00.000-08:00

I've a new follower! Nik Nur Iman ehehe. :D Eh Iman. You'll have to wait. Need to get this post done first. (: I never got around to type out this post. It's been a week. So I'll make a start. Somewhere.

Last day of school last Friday. I thought of skipping. But heck. Last day of school. Plus, my facilitators will be coming. Anyway, it wasn't as bad as I expected. Had class party. I didn't really eat that much junk food, but still I was full. It's a good thing the music was on. If not the atmosphere will be so dull. Nadiah have my thanks. Finally. End of Form 3 classes. Even though I acted all selfish and oblivious all this while, I will still miss 3 Erat. I'm sorry I was always late at paying class fund. (Sometimes I didn't pay lol. But I was forced to.) I'm sorry if I didn't put much commitment to any event that happened. Or much commitment into cleaning the class. Heck, I still love my classmates and we shared so many memories together. Even though I didn't really get to know each and every one of em completely. Some of them were just discreet. Or maybe it was because of the PMR atmosphere. Whatever. Our class can be very competitive but I know we love each other to bits. We treated each other like family. But sometimes I feel so out of place. I feel like the black sheep there. Oh paranoid, yes I am. All along, I've met some great people. I'm going to list some of the 3 Erat people that I met/discovered/whatever. (I only mention a few people here so yeah)

Khavisha - Khavisha, eh? Who'd ever thought I'd get so attached to her near the end of the year. She was my classmate last year too, but we didn't sit near each other so I didn't really get to know her and all. This year, she was fatefully placed in front of me. So I got to know some of her zany traits. Very amusing. There was once when my emotions and anger had reached its zenith and I couldn't suppress them any longer and I needed to talk to someone. So I opened up to her. I made the right choice! She didn't just shrug me off or shut up. She responded and gave me a few advice indeed. That part surprised me a bit. I didn't expect her to understand. Sometimes when I space out, she would understand what I'm feeling. I'm just thankful. Thank you for being such a great friend. Even though it was for a short duration. Still. Duration doesn't matter. It's the way that person treat you, right? (:
Nadiah - Last year, I was in 2H and she was in 2G. Our cabin classes were in opposite direction. So I can see people move now and then there. I never really got to know her that well. Sometimes when I see her, a question mark always popped above my head. I was thinking what kind of person she was. Like how was she like. Friendly? Strict? Well, I thought you were a serious girl last year. Sometimes when you mind your own business, you always seem serious. Like there's something inside your head. And this year, you sat next to Khavisha. Nadiah was, and still is a very sunny and bubbly kind of person. Oh yes, she was friendly. So I didn't really have problems opening up to her. (Btw, I have trouble opening up with people I just met. Depends on their personality. If we're compatible then I'll open up easily) Talking to her is easy. She would ask some (intriguing) random questions and we'll discuss about it. I sometimes share my problems with her and she always help me out. She's a great girl. Optimistic and very tolerant. And she's also very very nice. It's like, I never feel down when I'm with her. I really thank Allah that I met someone like you. Don't you ever change. (:
Anishkaa - I've only got to know her beginning of this year before she moved. It was such a pity. Okay, being ruthlessly honest, in the beginning of the year when I was placed in between Mas and her, I did feel kind of awkward. But I guess if I swap places with Mas, I would never get to know what kind of a person she really was. So yeah, to break the ice, I just blurt out some silly and inane things that's on my mind (that's one of my ways of opening up to people lol) and I guess she was okay. She was this really sweet and innocent (lol) girl. And she knew many stuffs like, what's the hot topic or in thing among the celebrities. Me being very oblivious could get one or two juicy information from her at times. She's good in English too! Just when we got close, she broke the news that she was moving. I was taken aback. Didn't expect that. It was sad. As much as I didn't want her to move (didn't seem obvious, right?) I knew that nothing could stop Fate. So I just accepted the fact. I surely miss her. But it's good to know that she's doing fine, coping with her new tough subjects.
Amirah - She shared the same class as I am in Form 1, believe it or not. Well, she sat next to me after Anishkaa left. Pn Ranchani forced her to. Well yeah. Sometimes I do talk to her. I would blurt my silliness to her and she would just giggle. Sometimes we share our laughter about the same thing. Like, when some teachers' silly act. So she understands me. Good thing. Yeah. I know that after this year if I ever see her, we won't be talking much or wouldn't even say 'Hi' to each other, but sitting next to her was something I'll remember.
Engku, Izzah and Khaleeda - They were just the happy-go-lucky, innocent, bubbly gang. Engku was like this brainy and bright girl. Sometimes, I admire her confidence. Izzah, she seemed quiet at first. But once you get to know her, she's fine. Khaleeda, looking cute as ever. So is her personality. I got close to them because of our art work. I went to Izzah's house once and it was great. Eating pizzas, talking, listening to music and playing XBox was the best! Haha yeah. They never seem sad. Yeah, but they're fun and nice. (:

Well yeah, that's about it. It was fun while it lasted right? Maybe I'll get to be in the same class as some of em. But all the memories will be engraved in my heart. So anyway, the facilitators came to our school that day too. I miss them so much! The sight of them eased all our hearts. They showed us the video that they meant to show us on the last day of camp. Then we talked a bit. Gave some speeches here and there. I felt a pang of sadness hit me. Some of them was like, Zaza are you crying?! and all that. I was being obstinate and headstrong. I said of course I'm not! But to tell the truth, tears were welling up my eyes. Of course, I didn't let them drop. I have pride! HAHAjkjk. I could cry if I wanted to. I just didn't want to look ugly on the last day of school. Then, we snapped a few photos and they went off. They had to go to PD. Sad. So last day of school. Kind of makes me want to reminisce the feeling I have on the last day of school during the past years.

Form 1 - The day was bright and sunny. It was as if the last day of school was a fresh new beginning for me. Well, I hated my class in Form 1. Okay I just wanted to get away from some people. But yeah. It's true. I vowed to do better in Form 2.

Form 2 - Sad atmosphere. People crying here and there. Amie was also leaving. Still remember Cass and Marina cried. Sad but there's nothing that we could do. Though I know deep within myself even though that they said they would hate their Form 3 class, I know that they'll come around and love their class and the people in it. Well, seems like they love their class now. (: Last year's statements were just.. words.

Form 3 - It was scorching hot. I was blank and puzzled. I wanted to know what next year feels like. I know I'll go nuts next year. I'll go crazy. I bet my hair will drop more. I know I'll get more pimples. -_-; I know that I can't fool around next year. Time to get a move on and time to get serious.

So yes. That's basically what I felt. The rest are just irrelevant.

I'll sing to you

2011-11-15T03:03:00.001-08:00

Hm. Still debating on whether I should post this video of me singing like a strangling cat. Oh well. Who cares right? Sorry, I know I don't really have a decent voice. Still practicing. Oh yeah. The video in which I was singing, sorry it's all black and it's quite muffled. I covered it with my thumb. lol. Cause I don't want anyone to see my (~~constipated~~) singing face. I mean, when I do a proper cover then I'll show my face, aite? Please watch the first video first. (:

A song called 'Pumped Up Kicks' by Foster the People. You might not like it cause there's not much changing in the melody and I might sound like I'm just talking so.. Whatever, right?

Whoops. At around 1.25 I think I screwed up a bit. Cause the saliva was stuck in my- Okay never mind. That's just disgusting and you guys won't understand what I'm trying to say. -_-; Oh yeah feel free to drop some comments. Not nasty ones. :s HAHA kbye. :p

Answer

2011-11-13T11:36:00.000-08:00

This post is longer than usual, so if you can't take it, then kindly BUZZ OFF. I mean it. And I don't want anyone mentioning/discussing/questioning about it in my face/virtually or trying to console me or pity me after reading this post. Just let me be.

Dear to-whom-it-may-concern, I do not want to interrogate you but I think you need to give me an answer. I need to know if you're serious about me. Because you can't make me wait and not give me a proper explanation. You didn't even say where you've been or why you've been gone for so long. It's been 13 days. I need at least a reason. Of course, a good reason. If you think you want to call it a day, it's cool. I won't blame you. I will try my best to understand because, I don't know. Because everything happens for a reason right? But you see, I'm trying to help. I want to help you and I want to know what's wrong. I have the right, no?

I tried. I tried to be happy. I tried to be okay but I can't. I just can't. I can't force myself. I can't be happy. I went through those sleepless and nightmarish nights. The hardest questions that I had to face were "Are you okay?" I'm not, because nothing is okay. "Is something wrong?" Yes, because nothing is right. Everybody kept asking me what's wrong and all that I could do was to contain my feelings. I did try to talk it with some of my friends, but they were just as stumped and baffled as I am. My friends tried to make me happy. But none of their magic could change my mood and feelings. I tried and I pretended. I convinced myself to be okay with you distancing yourself. That maybe you just needed some space.

But some of your acts were just undecipherable and incomprehensible. Whenever I tried to talk to you, you would shut me off. All you need to do is to just give me a reason and assurance and I will do as you say or wait for a given duration. But you left me with no words, no assurance and no reason. I can practically say, you vanished. I don't know what happened. I don't know what I did. Was it something I did, or was it something you say? Just tell me. I'm not commanding you what to do, but I don't think this is the right way. I don't want to force you because I remember that tragedy. Still burnt at the back of my head. That incident in which our relationship falls apart. The feelings remained, but we resisted it.

I don't want to be the one who decided to let go and not love you any longer. I promised not to be the one that let go. I'm not saying that I'm okay with your decision if you decided to call it a day. I love you and I will always love you. I don't know what you did to me. I don't know what's so special about you. I don't know what tricks you played. I don't know what spells you cast on me until I still love you for about a year and a half, even after we broke up. Come to think of it, you're just a normal boy. A typical boy. But I just know that I love you and my feelings are strong and genuine. You're special to me even though you're just a normal, typical boy.

Or maybe you're just playing. You're not serious. All this while, it's just words. Sugary words you feed me to win me back all over again. I thought of every bad thing that you would do to me. Any possibility and all the reason for you to hate me and to pay your vengeance towards me. I tried hating you. I tried convincing myself that you're playing and you don't love me. But I can't buy it. Cause every time I tried convincing myself, I won't believe it. I don't know why, but my heart just says that you're not. You're not playing. It's hard, when your mind says one thing but your heart says another. My heart would cancel off every bad thought I had about you. And that is the strangest part. It's like my heart is very sure. But my brain says that I'm stupid. My brain says that my heart is being deluded and clouded with lies. And me? I just don't know what to do. Confused and clueless.

Thing is, it's unfair. It's unjust for you to treat me this way. Because there are other guys out there who know about this matter. Other guys out there offering and convincing to make me happy with them. I don't know what to do because I haven't a fucking clue. How was I to be with another when I am with you? Am I really and still yours? How was I to let go if you don't give me an answer? And how was I to be another when I still love you? What if you decided to let me go, and I run to the other person, but it's too late? Because I made the other guy wait for so long? It's unfair. It's unfair to make a person wait.

Karma. I realized it just now. In the past, I made someone wait because I was unsure. And now, you're making me wait. I don't want to make the same mistake again. Please, just tell me. Because as bitter as it may seem, I have to accept it. Even though I know my heart won't accept it. Even though I have to be with another person. Even though I know, deep within my heart, that I love you. Even though it is very unfair. Even though that I know, for a fact that I will always, love you.

SONGS TO BE COVERED

2011-11-12T08:54:00.000-08:00

-Fix you
-How to love
-Someone like you
-Break even
-Love the way you lie
-Gravity

So far that, aite? :D

Helpless

2011-11-11T08:47:00.000-08:00

I think I'll post about the last day of school later. For now, I'm just so depressed. Down in the dumps. Even though it was great in school and all but sadness still engraved in my heart. They say laughter is the best medicine. I guess it isn't a permanent medicine which cures your pain immediately. Laughter and smiles are just to cover up for your sadness. I know some people claim that they hate it when some people pretend to be happy when they're not. But come on. Everybody does it. Well, truth is, you only make things worse by displaying your dismay. Your activities are interrupted, you become more depressed. People might avoid you and steer clear out of your way. But then again, if you bottle up your feelings, it's just as bad. You become more and more depressed as days go by. You become deranged and demented, cause you can't share it with anybody. You're left in solitude.

Thing is, if you share it with someone (unprofessional, like your mates or whoever), it's not like they care about you and your problems. Did you know that 80% of the people are glad that you have that problem and 20% just don't care? Even if they do want to listen, they'll go speechless when you tell them. They won't help you and they would just buzz off or switch to another topic. You'll look dumb. You've expressed your truest feelings. It's not any mediocre occurrence that somebody tells you what they truly feel. And guess what? You're left just like that. That's not something I want. Hell, I could just talk to a plank or a wall if I wanted a no-good response. Even if you share your problems with a psychiatrist, they'll feed you drugs! It's not that I've been there but I heard it from others. Okay, maybe not all psychiatrist feed you with drugs but most of em really do. Only a few don't. So, doesn't make any difference if you share or not. Damned if you did, damned if you did not.

Right now, I just have so many problems in my hands. It's not those major ones but I have finally come to a realization that I have so many problems that I didn't know. One after another. I know I'm oblivious and all but this has nothing to do with it. I don't think I can do anything about it. Sometimes I just don't have power over these things. And sometimes, I'm a completely ignoramus about some matters. Well but whatever. Allah is always with me. I believe and pray to Allah wherever I go. Doesn't mean I completely don't need anybody else. But it's just that some souls just disappoint me. I put hope in them. I depended on them. But they crushed my trust. They crushed my genuine sincerity. And then I vow not to trust anymore. But I'm just weak. I'm weak. I trust people all over again. I just don't know what's wrong with me. Am I too kind? No, I can be very mean at times. Well, I'm just confuse. But I'm not confuse about the people that I have feelings for. I'm just confused with my very own self.

Since I got back from camp, people start walking away from me one by one. But not all that is lost. As what Zarif said, "You have me," Aw, so sweat. Yeah. At least I have him. And some of my friends. And my family. And Allah. And I thank Allah for that. (:

Mean

2011-11-10T06:07:00.000-08:00

Specs buddies!

Yeah, I went to KLCC with Lea and my sister yesterday. By LRT. We feed ourselves with lots of sweet stuff. Drank Starbucks ooo~ It was fun. Get to take my mind off things. When we got home, we talked for a bit and at around 8, she slept on the couch for thirty minutes. I guess she was just too exhausted. Should do this more often. (: Hang out, I mean. Not sleep. -.-

So, I went to school today. Sucked like hell in the morning. Had AGM Koperasi meeting and it was blazing hot in the morning and we had to sit there in the Gallery and listen to some pointless thing (to me lol) that I never really understood since I was 13. And at around 12, I slept in the Gallery. Just laid on the floor with Lea and slept. I didn't think I would sleep but I did! Cause maybe I was just exhausted from walking about in KLCC yesterday. Honestly, the reason I came today was just to take the book from Sau Mun. And then, the rest were... Hey, but at least I got my certificate back. The certificates for the Australian Mathematics Exam. And guess what! I got the proficiency certificate instead of just the certificate of appreciation! So I didn't do that bad then? Well, I thank Allah. Because I just circled which ever answer for the questions that I had no clue. When I looked at my result, I got mostly incorrect answers for Geometry questions. Like what... ._. So I got back and bathed and all and opened that 254-paged book (or was it 245? Somewhere there la) and I finished it within two hours.. Now I know why he likes that book. Well, the story's one of a kind. Pretty different. Intriguing.

I just found out that our class party was supposed to be on next Sunday in Timesquare. I'm like, lolwhut are you kidding me? You seriously think I would go out on a Sunday? Sunday is a rest day for God's sake. And Timesquare? What's there? I'd rather go to Sunway Lagoon. I know the price is dear and all there but as what Divya said, the rides in Timesquare could imperil our lives. Anyway, I have no transport and I wouldn't bother to go there cause I just don't care. Whoa. For a minute there I sounded heartless. But I guess nobody cares about me and my opinions right? So, like, count me out. But it's not happening anyway. Instead, we're having a "feast" at "some area in this school". Wow, oh wow. I won't be supplying anything. It's a pretty last minute thing, and I'm not that rich, so, sorry peeps.

Tomorrow's the last day of school in 2011. I thought of skipping since we don't do anything to do there! Just sit in the Gallery and do unproductive things. You'd think that the cliques in our form would join up and have a merry time together? My ass. They would just have fun with their own peeps. The last day of school is pretty meaningless. I mean, sure, we get to see each other next year. Or maybe during the holidays. For the people who move? Please. Just acquaintance right? It's not that you care if she moves. It's not that she cares if you move. I mean, if you're best friends, surely you'd go out with each other during the holidays. Like what Hafizah said, do we laugh among our friends because we truly feel joyous with them? Do we cry for show? To pretend and show our empathy or do we really feel sad? If I were to ask people verbally, obviously they would choose the latter. But I don't know. I think that most of us just act the act for show. Why? To get attention. To get that person's trust. It's true although I bet most people would deny it. But hey, that's just me right? (; I'm being a tad bit mean tonight. Probably just fatigued. Outwardly and inwardly.

I used to think that coming on the last day of school is important but heck, it's just labels. This isn't fantasy. It's reality. But anyway, even though I dread waking up tomorrow, I have to come because a) it's been a long time since I ate junk food. b) THE FACILITATORS FROM CAMP ARE COMING OMGOMGOMG. I miss them sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much! Like, they're the best and I love them sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much! How I wish I could turn back time. They even said we were awesome. Hey, I cried on the last day y'know? I was the only one who cried... Cause I really had a whale of time with them. The memories there were too precious. So yeah. I can't wait to see em. c) C for Camwhore day. lol. Or maybe just chilling out after school.

But yeah, that's about it. Okay, I may sound mean now, but tomorrow, I'll probably be a little kinder and a tad bit more emotional, I guess. So anyway, see you. (:

Would you sing to me?

2011-11-07T06:15:00.000-08:00

'Cause I can feel a part of me starting to break,
And when you are away from me it's harder to breathe.

What do you feel like doing? (:

1. Sit at one corner.
2. And cry. T.T
3. Stone.
4. Listen to emo songs and talk to my sis.
5. Ponder, wander and wonder.

How do you feel? (:

1. Like a part of me starting to break.

2. Suffocated.

3. Insecure.

4. Restless.

5. Depressed.

So what am I going to do about it? (:

1. Eat something sweet, perhaps.
2. Throw away my phone.
3. Focus on the important books!
4. Cloud my head with something else.
5. See if I can survive for another week, I suppose?

Double merde.
Fantastic.

Come on Zaza. This doesn't seem like you at all. What happened to you?!
Uh, the four letter word is what happened.
Which one?
You decide.

Great, now I'm having a conversation with myself!

Camp

2011-11-05T11:03:00.000-07:00

The object whereby I had to bring it where ever I go and had to guard it with my life. Which is a broom! Can you imagine it? Me, carrying around a broom in every activity? That's just weird. I looked like a witch. But, I don't really care, anyway. It was like the broom was my life and it was my responsibility to take care of it.

The Monkey's War Cry :

One for all, (Me)

All for one!

Who are we? (x3) (Me)

The beast! (x3)

1,2,3 (Me)

Hoo hehh! (Monkey sound lol)

Hey 'The Monkeys'! You all know that we're awesome. Come on. We won second place but actually you guys know that we were leading in the first place. Hey, our war cry was the best. Lol, my voice kinda sores from shouting. But boy, it was worth it. I'm sorry if I ever made you guys feel that I suck at being the leader of our group, M. I may look like I don't give a fuck, but I do. And I tried my very best. Just so you know, being in a team with you guys had really taught me some really valuable lessons. And I love co-operating with you guys. I really had tonnes of fun and I will never ever forget these moments if God let me remember this priceless memory. I love you guys. Whatever it is, I know that you guys are the best.

xoxo,
Your enigmatic leader,

Zaza.

I seriously miss camp. It was the best camp I've ever been. And my first. I know that it's the best. My heart says so. I have learnt so many things during the camp. It was truly an eye-opener experience. I've learnt about leadership, responsibility, tolerance, co-operation, productivity, friendship and religion too. The activities there tested my physical and mental abilities. They gave me a few objects and as a leader, I have to take it with me everywhere and guard it with my life. And I got the chance to get into the crystal clear river. The facilitators there were friendly and caring too. When my ankle nearly sprained, I thought they would shrug it off. But they actually bandaged my leg! Yeah, I was from the Masjid and it was dark at night. My leg fell into a hole. I was in a total shock. Anyway, I saw so many things there. I saw many floras and faunas during the jungle trekking. We were actually on Banjaran Titiwangsa. Can you believe it. And when I looked up the sky, the Moon was just next to the Sun. How special is that?

I got to tightened my bond with some people that I'm actually not very close to. I made so many memories there. Not only with my team mates but with every body. Guess what? I actually cried on the last day. Now you would think I'm just so emotional and babyish. But seriously. This camp meant so much to me. My stony heart has actually softened. To actually think that I'd shed a tear. But I did. Because I love this camp. And I will remember it forever with God's will. I will try to apply everything I have learnt there in my life. And if I have the chance, I would want to go again. The memories will always be carved in my heart. I may forget these moments. But that's just the links of memories coming undone. Truth is, the memories will always remain there in my heart.

*Please excuse the grammatical errors.

2011-11-05T07:16:00.001-07:00

Where are you? ):

"So maybe in my heart of hearts, I stay because I want to see progress. I want to leave Sri Aman knowing that I served my sentence there, paid my dues, did my own time and left the rest to everyone else. Comparing that school to prison isn't doing it any favors, but whatever. I want to leave Sri Aman knowing that I didn't give up on it, like so many other people gave up on me. Maybe in my heart of hearts, when I pledge my allegiance to the school in Monday assemblies, maybe I really mean that, as opposed to repeating whatever's said. Maybe I hate school but I can't bear for someone else to take my place and hate it instead.

And maybe that, too, is why I'd like to come back to Malaysia after my studies. People talk big talk about wanting to leave, about wanting something bigger, better but here's advice for the world weary: you don't go somewhere expecting it to change you. It happens sometimes, sure, on an off chance or two, but you stay. You stay and change things and that's the best type of people. I'm not saying that I'm this brave person, who doesn't want to run away, who wants to stay and fight because honestly, fight or flight is the last thing on my mind. I'm saying that if people want to leave, think about it first. Really think about it. If you don't fit in here, there is absolutely no guarantee you'll fit in anywhere else. If you don't fit in here, there's no guarantee you'll fit in somewhere else as an immigrant,"

Well said, Hafizah. (:

2011-11-04T11:55:00.001-07:00

Camp was indescribable.

Promises

2011-10-31T06:22:00.000-07:00

I can't promise you the whole world, but I can try to give you the best moments of your life.
I can't promise you I won't get angry, but I can try to be patient most of the time.
I can't promise you I'll never make mistakes, but I can try my best to correct my faults.
I can't promise you that I'll catch you every time you fall, but I can promise you I'll lend you my ear and understand and be close to you to support you.
I can't promise that our love will last forever like in storybooks but I can promise you that no matter what, I'll never forget you and the memories that we shared together. (:

Zarif

2011-10-30T04:41:00.000-07:00

^fav photo. Sorry I curi, hikhok.

Happy Birthday Zariiiiiif! :D

So yeah, Happy Birthday! Now you're only fifteen. Like, I'm older than you, so you should respect me? HAHAjkjk. I hope you have a blast. You did, yesterday. Too bad I can't witness it. It's okay. Bet you had fun even without me eh? :p Cause I seemed to laugh a lot just by looking at those photos. Oh and I sure hope that you get well soon! (: Anyway, I will repeat for the third time (sorry but here i get to elaborate my gratefulness to you in details), thank you for being such a great guy best friend to me. I mean, you were there when I needed to express my feelings the most. And somehow you did gave me advices (even though I didn't follow some of it :p Sometimes I wish I did. Makes the process a whole lot faster but yeah) and you did crack some jokes to make me feel better. And classes with you are always fun! I like teaching you Maths and giving you er, "interesting" Science facts HAHAHA. I'm sorry if I ever hurt you with my words or actions. I didn't do it deliberately and I didn't mean it. And I hope you're happy with her. ;) And you can always count on me to listen to your problems. Oh yeah. Remember out tutti frutti trip! xD May God bless you forever and always. I hope we stay good friends until we've grown up, okay, Muhamad Zarif Nazmi bin Malik Faishal? (:

Don't ever change. (:

2011-10-29T09:45:00.001-07:00

I'm so jealous. I wish I had friends like Ashraf Rashid, Iman and Zarif. ):

2011-10-29T01:34:00.000-07:00

#YouKnowWhatIHateTheMost When you guys plan and go out without me knowing. (-.-)t

Ensemble

2011-10-29T00:19:00.000-07:00

I think my hair is like the one in the second row, the third one. Or is the first one in the third row? Somewhere there. Hehe, so pretty. :D Got it from Lea's Tumblr. I love her Tumblr! Heh. So everybody's asking me about it. Okay, not everybody. But some of em just talk to me because they wanna know. I mean, like, gth.

I'm busy busy busy. Got so much to prepare for my ensemble. I'm playing lots of songs. Not that I have trouble with it. My teacher's panicking because she thinks I'm her only hope. She didn't have to say that, I just know. So I'm practicing my violin often. It's too bad my mum can't watch me perform. But it's okay.

So I picked the perfect dress for Divya's event. Kinda sexy but oh well. I'm bringing my leopard jacket. :D I can't wait for it. Cause I've been having ASBO for awhile. Gosh. I bet people will start interviewing me tomorrow. I guess I'll just keep it simple as I don't want to be a story teller. And I do not want to go too detailed. Let them wonder for a bit HAHA :p

Gotta go. Gonna practise violin. (:

Reborn

2011-10-27T02:37:00.000-07:00

A new day is dawning. Things are different. Yeah, things are different. I just can't believe it. But it happened. I feel so contented. I feel secure. Complete and different. I don't think I'll ever be the same again. I don't think, there's going to be another sad post on my blog any longer. Things have finally taken a turn. Happened in a blink of an eye. I didn't have time to perceive it. Yet, I've never felt so alive. Sorry, you guys don't understand? Oh, don't worry. You all will. One day. (:

So how are you doing, people? It has been raining for days, hasn't it? Well it's okay. Rain is good. It's just that I wanna ride my bike and take in the breath of fresh air out there. I feel like seeing my friends too. Oh yeah. My mum's off to Hajj. We sent her yesterday. I hope everything goes well and that she has a safe journey there. I'll surely miss her.

Okay, so this is great! I have time. Asides from playing ps2 ( I beat KH2 for the second time! ^.^V ), surfing the net, eating, talking to my sis till morning, what should I do? I know! I shall start drawing and sketching. Man, it's been a long time. I should ride my bike too! :DD At least for now, I'm feeling great. (:

Beautiful Venusians

2011-10-24T11:39:00.000-07:00

Both of them are so ravishing and stunning.

Omg, so jealoussssssssssssssss.

Unarranged

2011-10-23T10:05:00.000-07:00

"I am a mistake. I am just an accidental. The truth. The truth always hurts. But when you're being deluded by lies, it cuts you more. The Heavens above opened and the morning chorus stopped singing. The smell of the Daffodils no longer tickle my nostrils. My vision blurred but I can still make out the faces of my loved ones. At least, some scrutinizing had to be done. Some burst into tears while some tried to keep a stiff upper-lip. What is going on? People started to gather around me, forming a circle. I waved, I jumped, I screamed, but none paid attention to me. I was stumped. It was as if I was a spirit. A spirit? I looked at the point where everybody was looking at. And there I saw, my fragile, limped and bloody body laid. If only somebody could spare me from this indignity. I could not believe what I was seeing before my own pair of eyes. No, this could not be happening. Drowned and clouded with sadness, I see my weakness and fear disclosing itself. Hot tears rolled down my cheeks. I guess.. my holidays are really over.

I found myself flailing backwards. I went through the land, the land filled with Daffodils here and there. I was falling. Falling. Falling slowly into an abyss. In seconds I feel myself devoured and engulfed by darkness. It seemed eternity till I reach the ground. I look upwards but it was nothing but darkness. Here and there, dominating my surrounding. I was mystified but at the same time I could not think of anything. I was pondering about. Still falling. But I know one thing for sure. My life has ended. My life had been robbed and stolen. So this is how it feels like when you're plunged into darkness. I'm in solitary. With no one but the memories flashing again and again at the back of my head. Memories? Memories of me and my loved ones. My loved ones. But who- Who are they? It seemed as if my memory, too, has been robbed.

Forced. Forced to watch the flashes and slides of mistakes that I have done. Questions lurking here and there. Bombarding myself for answers I have no power to provide. And here I am, still pondering and wandering in a dimension I am destined not to be in any longer. Watching those people that were linked to me in my previous life lead their own lives in happiness. In a world. In a world that never was. A world without me.

I am a mistake. I am just an accidental,"

Balls?

2011-10-22T10:35:00.001-07:00

Balls.

Honestly, don't guys have anything else better to do?! It's all about balls. Not to mention, the girls are starting to get affected too. Starting? What am I kidding. They are already affected! Girls are supposed to love shopping, clothes, gossips, boys! What am I saying. They can like both of em too. They can do whatever things they desire as well. Sigh, it's just that it's getting pretty annoying when my news feed and timeline is bursting about football when I don't watch football. Sigh, whatever.

It's just so sad that friendship crumble because of a thing you know? Especially like, well, if it involves a third party. Especially boys. Sigh. Just can't help it cause honestly, I get along with boys more easily. They're well, they not too serious and they can be funny at times too. Well girls are just.. I don't know. I just can't find myself clicking with em sometimes. Okay, some girls. Not all. But still. Opposites attract, I guess? Nah, I bet some girls do agree with me, right?

____________________________

Hey my diet actually works. I nipped into my pinafore and I found out that there's an empty space between my stomach and the pinafore. Cool!

547

2011-10-22T07:48:00.000-07:00

Can you believe that I read a 547 paged book in 7 hours? :o

Hi Cassandra -.- <- (usual face and tone)

Hi Divyaaaaaaaa! :D

Hey Marmar! ^.^V

Been away from the net for 2 and a half days. I have this massive headache, ugh. When I attempt to use the net, it won't work! Oh my God. Something's wrong with my net. Ah, whatever. I don't want to think about it. I'm using my sister's laptop and broadband now. Not my ideal option but whatever right. So i opened Facebook today and guess who requested to be my friend? Divya DK. Like, what?! Seriously? I can't believe this. And gurrlll, why didn't you put a photo of you in a dress? Many guys will find you more.. engaging. HAHAjkjk.

Yesterday was a mess. A real mess. But I'll spare the details. Haih. One week of holiday next week. And then off to camping! Omg, I'm so excited! This will be the first time I'm going camping in my entire life. And I got to go with my best friend Lea. And Farihin will be there too! But I shall not be too happy about it. You never know what can happen. But I hope for the best, always. :-)

#5

2011-10-19T10:31:00.000-07:00

"And you sanggup tunggu 4 tahun utk dia? Damn. Respect ah. That is called true love, I think :O"

"Haha well yeah. (: True love? More like unrequited love. Heh,"

Missed school for 5 days. Played PS2 for 5 hours. Until 5 a.m. in the morning. Well, I'm a gamer. lol. Okay it's late at night now and I'm feeling so darned hungry. And this feeling is unusual. I think it's because I drank too much water? Feels as if someone stabbed my stomach with a knife. Oh yes, to those who text me, I'm sorry for not replying. My credit expired and I'm too lazy too top-up.

It's so funny how in every conversation with people, I always ended up the one who is staying up. Watching people drifting to sleep, all alone. Maybe it's because I'm starting to follow my sister's weird sleeping patterns. Whatever. Oh my God, I'm so lazy to go back to school. Nearly went to school today until I found out there's still flash mob. So, skipping it is. I'm such a bad girl, no? It's just that I find comfort staying at home.

Hi Zarif, if you're reading this, where have you been man? I miss you! 5 days since we last talked.

Dismay

2011-10-17T09:03:00.001-07:00

Hi Iman. (:

____________________________________________

Feels so dismayed. In desolation in the middle of the night. People end up leaving you. People end up hurting you. That's why I do not want to be too close with anyone. When you get too close with someone, the person have power over you. They know your strongest point and your weaknesses. Even the littlest words they say may injure you. Some may use it against you deliberately to bring you down. Some may use it against you, even when they do not know. Even when they intended not to. And that's where pain will attack you at the part where it hurts the most ; Your heart. Some people say the internal pain hurts more than the external one. Maybe it's true even though I have not yet to experience it. That's why I don't want to be too close. That's why, I say, I had had enough. I wish I was sarcastic like Hafizah. I wish I have a heart of a stone. I wish I was heartless. They think I'm one. But truth is, they don't know that I'm such a marshmallow inside. It's funny. It's funny how people think my smile is so cheerful. They think my smile is genuine. It's funny how people buy my tough-girl exterior appearance. I look so confident, so optimistic, so kind, so bubbly on the outside. But they do not know. I'm bruised, jaded, almost shattered on the inside. Devoid of love and aid. These are my real feelings.

But why? Why do I easily open up my heart to somebody who makes me feel better, safe and secure? Who makes me smile when I'm secretly down? I know how bad it hurts when somebody slashes your feelings. How bad it hurts when even the littlest and discrete things they say, are able to carve a huge, hideous scar on your heart. I know and I promised never to let somebody get too close to me. So then why do I let that happen? Maybe it's because I long for the comfortableness. Maybe I long for love. Maybe I long for somebody to pick me up when I'm down in the dumps, when I'm rags and dirty. But you know what sucks? False hopes. I still remember telling my ex that shattered hopes are better than false ones. I'm not going to ramble about that cause I've been talking about it over and over.

I just can't take it anymore. I want to cross out every ounce of love, care, sympathy, empathy, compassion that I have for some people. Maybe it's better if I become self-centered. But I'm sure. Deep within myself, even though if I am drowned in a pool of bitterness, there will always be that damned soft-spot. That damned spot in which I will give in to somebody who manage to shatter the shield that has been shielding my heart. In the end, I will get hurt. And the process is repeated. Tragically. Sometimes I wonder why God made me so alert with feelings. So understanding. So sympathetic. Can't I be more oblivious? Can't I just be carefree like some others? But I will not blame God. Maybe starting from this day onward I will be a tad bit cruel. A tad bit oblivious. Self centered.

Maybe one day, a person will come into my life and break this spell. I know that I will be able to trust this person. I know that I could hold on to that person. I know I could depend on that person. I know that person will pick me up when I'm in the dumps. I know that I can wrap my arms around that person and bury my head into his/her shoulders and cry myself a river and he/she will not mind that the shirt would probably be soaking wet. Someone who will always be there for me. Someone who will stroke my hair and tell me everything is going to be fine, the nightmare is over. And for the first time in the world, I'll believe it.

I long for that day. But maybe, it's not going to come at all. Maybe this is wishful thinking. I'm still here, helpless and all alone.

Bee

2011-10-17T07:48:00.000-07:00

So I skipped school today. And I will tomorrow. And the day after tomorrow. Although there's not much things to do at home but I do not want to be in school, extremely bored. What more I heard that they watched some video about history or something. To me, history is fun to read not to watch. Some of them had dozed off into dreamland but no way am I doing that. How do you expect me to sleep in school? In an uncomfortable state and place? (I'd have to admit, the hall is quite filthy. See the texture of the floor? It's black! *cough* Sorry for being rude and developing a bad impression of our school towards others. But hey, I'm telling the truth and it is my opinion, right?) Can't even roam around the school. And flash mob? No way. Yeah sure, it might sounds fun to you guys, but obviously not to me.

I was home alone today. My sister went out with her college friends. My mum and my maid took my nephew to the doctor. Yes, he is sick. He is not hyper nor naughty today. That's a relief cause I won't have anyone slapping my back continuously and unknowingly by me while I surf the net or get into some intriguing conversations with people. (But honestly most of them are guys! Ugh! And I mean, guys that I do not know, that are randy lol) But it's kind of sad for him. His mum is worried sick. As for my mum, she had an appointment or so.

This is sad. Lea can't make it on the 28th and 29th. This sucks cause I have to find other ways to reach my destination. And I'd thought of going shopping with her too. Oh well. And another thing. Just as I was about to play my PS2, I found out that the controllers are missing and my game! My favourite game is missing! What is PS2 without Kingdom Hearts?! Utterly meaningless. So I had to shove it inside the dusty box where I had took it out from. Books? Nah. Which leaves me and the net. Oh well. Do I look like I have a choice?

Oh what a moaning-minnie I had become. Blame it on the a-a-a-alcohol. LOLJK. Blame it on menstruation lol. Okay, just blame it on me.

Looks

2011-10-16T02:07:00.000-07:00

"Your judgement is irrelevant"

Whoa, I don't know whether it's just me or had I shed a few pounds. My stomach is not so bulgy or flabby anymore. And my thighs are starting to look a lot less skinnier. Well, I've been dieting. But it sure has its side effects. For example, I would experience stomachache every morning, or maybe some other time in the day. My back hurts too. (is that a side effect?) No, I know. My back hurts because I remember one of our teachers asked us to stretch and touch our feet in the hall. Shit. Without proper warming up, of course it'll hurt. I haven't been stretching lately. Whatever. I'm trying not to eat too much or consume any bit of sweet morsels. Tutti Frutti is an exception.

Can't the 28th and the 29th come quickly? Or the 1st November? :\ I want something exciting to happen.

Age

2011-10-12T08:55:00.000-07:00

When you love someone but it goes to waste; could it be worse?

I am free from the grasp of PMR. Easy to say I don't have to crack my head studying in the middle of the night. I have lots of people around me in school, who are just as cheerful and as bright as the Sun's rays. Regardless, I feel so alone. Sometimes I just feel so astray from the others. I feel as if I don't belong. Often, I would turn to silence for solace. Only silence and loneliness encircling me. Staring will be a habit. But behind those stares, I am actually contemplating. That's just my demeanor.

It is as if I have this crystal shield armoring my frail heart. Maybe it is just me. I just put a wall between some people. Maybe it is because I don't want to get hurt anymore. Maybe it is because I don't want to be enraged and exasperated every so often. I don't need any more hideous scars. I will get on with the people I want to. I select the people that I want to be friends with. I will share my stories with the people I want to. But I will isolate myself when I feel like it. Because in the end, people will leave you. Eventually.

I just hate it when people shrug of things that I opine. You should be grateful enough that I tell you my problems. And what will you do? Just stay silent and ignore me? See, some people in school tend to do that. As what Lea said, it hurts when you really care about someone but that someone just care less about you. So I will cease to care. Caring just hurts. Love hurts too. I'm not narrowing the scope, as in lovey-dovey relationships. I'm just being general. Love hurts.

Some people treat arguments as if they're nothing. They would just apologize just because they think it's much easier and less troublesome. I mean, like seriously? If you feel that way then that shows that you just don't value the friendship. You think you're better off than stuck in a rather sticky situations. See, arguments happen for a reason. You think people love arguing? No, they do not. I mean, there are exceptions but still. I'm talking about sane people. These kind of people are despicable. I haven't even the time to show off my contempt towards them.

Just saying that, time is perpetually ticking. People age. They gain experience. Maybe it's safe to say that I'm not the person I used to be. Still, I am an approachable and a cordial girl. But as much as I hate to admit it, I have changed. It is true and I can't deny the fact any longer.

Songs on the list!

2011-10-11T07:45:00.000-07:00

Songs to be covered *wiggles eyebrows

- Someone like you
- Fix you
- Love the way you lie
- Break even
- For the first time
- Songbird

Back on Track

2011-10-11T06:21:00.000-07:00

Thaaaaaaanks, Zarif, for yesterday. :-)

Hey blogger baby! I miss you so much! It has been days since I've been away from you. Lots and lots of things had happened that I didn't get the chance to post something here! Well the first hot news is that PMR is over, baby! Oh, joy. I can feel free to do anything I want to do without having that lump of guilt down my throat. I have lots and lots of things that I want to do during the holidays. I will now start planning. But before that,

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY, ALIAH DINI <3

Sorry I didn't get the chance to wish you properly. You must be mad at me. But seriously, I remembered your birthday on the first of October at 12.00 a.m sharp. I didn't text you as I was unsure of your number and truth be told, we rarely see each other in school. You thought I forget eh? Course not.

Thanks for being the bestest friend I've ever had. You're the best! You understand me completely and you're like my sifu you know! I turn to you every time I have problems. And you never fail to understand me. I believe it's not too late to say I'm sorry if I had ever hurt your feelings or anything. Such actions were not deliberate. Okay? You're the best, remember that.

The papers? I'll tell you.

BM 1 - It wasn't that easy but it's okay.

BM 2 - It was all right.

BI 1 - It was good.

BI 2 - It was good.

SC 1 - It was good.

SC 2 - It was good.

M3 1 - It was good.

M3 2 - It was good

SEJ - It was good.

GEO - It was good.

PI - It was good.

KH - It was okay but rather challenging.

That was that. Overall it was fine. I believe I put all my efforts into the papers. What happens after that happens. The result.. If I don't get 8As, it's fine. If it was meant to be it will happen. If it wasn't, I'll accept it. I will rise and face more upcoming challenges. (: Okay my plan?

-Rest.
-Shopping!
-Party!
-Hangout with my friends.
-Read more books.
-Read Qur'an.
-Exercise.
-Play ps.
-Learn.
-Improve my singing.
-Improve my piano.
-Make cover with Marina.
-Make cover with sis.
-Lose the remaining pimples.
-Discover new styles.
-Make more friends.

So far that's it laaaaa. I'll add more to the list when I find out more things to do.

2011-09-10T23:18:00.001-07:00

Away until PMR ends. (:

2011-09-04T04:24:00.000-07:00

Omg tomorrow's school! After a week of rest. Rest? HAHA as if. I need repose.
Guess what. We'll get our results too tomorrow. I mean, how good is that?
Do I seriously look different now? One way to find out.

Cameron Mitchell

2011-09-02T22:54:00.000-07:00

"You were only waiting for this moment to arise,"

He is the one star that touched my heart. He is so inspirational and he undeniably inspired me so much. I mean, no star had ever touched me like this before! Especially when he sang 'Blackbird'. He is truly one of a kind. If he didn't give up, I bet he will make it through the finals and earn a role in Glee Season 3. I am positive that Ryan Murphy was interested in him. I wish he didn't give up. Nevertheless, I believe that he made an even stronger impact on deciding to quit and leave the Glee Project. In standing in his beliefs, he was able to show his strong faith towards his religion, as well as character. In my opinion, this was a truly admirable act of courage. He knew that he would be criticized by deciding to leave, but he stuck to his convictions. I know he really wanted this but he followed his heart. And as a result, he saved his good friend, Damien. And Damien, is one of the winners. Well done, Cameron Mitchell. I really respect him. Cameron is a natural. He doesn't take or need classes to hone his skills and talents. He is an artist in his own right, and doesn't care who is judging him as long as he's being himself.

It takes a strong and mature person to decide when something is not right for him, especially if that something might involve a lot of money and fame. You may not agree with his decision, but I admire the way he stuck to his religion and Christian principles. He felt that he would not be able to fully commit to Glee if what they asked of him made him uncomfortable. Some people complained he took away a spot from another contestant. No he didn't because often you do not know what something is really like until you get involved. For instance, starting a new job. You don't know what it really entails until you actually perform the job; that's why people end up quitting a job after discovering it is not a good fit. Also Cameron, along with a lot of others who tried, probably were not told or did not realize what would be expected of them if they won the role.

I admire him for taking a stand. I know, it's not easy being someone who's religious and standing out for being "different". Now Cameron can walk away knowing he didn't compromise himself. It's just a TV show. Your values are far more worth it than fame, which is fleeting.

He's different.

He's definitely my idol.

______________________________________

"When I sing or when I perform, or when I do a funky dance, I'm not technical, I'm not trained. But you know, I'm not afraid to look like a fool every now and then. I consider myself a pretty big nerd, and that's something I embrace whether it's my style or my song writing,"

“It’s very tough because I do have beliefs and I do have my faith, and in some ways that does make me very different from other people. There are lines that other people will cross, and that’s OK to them, but to me—I’m just different, I just believe in different things. There are certain things that I’m willing to do on video shoots, but when it comes to the kissing, that was really hard for me. That’s just how I was raised, you know?

“My parents weren’t crazy-strict religious people. I won’t hit people on the head with a Bible, but I live by example and just try to be the best guy I can be. I have morals, and if it’s something that I feel like is crossing the line, then I’m not afraid to stand up. If you don’t stand up for something, then you’ll never stand up for anything. I just feel like that’s just what I had to do.”

Money, shop, surprises

2011-09-01T07:35:00.000-07:00

SOMETIMES, I wish I have more money. I could buy lots of stuff with it. I mean heck, I bet lots of people wish for that too. But I'm not that crazy or obsessed for money. Besides, I'm saving money too. Why? For the betterment of the future. I mean, really, there comes a time when I will want to save money to buy something. And when I finally have the money to buy that particular something, I'll end up not spending because I love the money too much. It's too precious to be spent. I know, I'm so weird. But hey, I think I'm not the only one in this world who feels that way.

Heck, I could even buy some clothes! I love shopping for clothes. I'll go "rambang mata" when I shop. Speaking of shopping, I love to shop in One Utama than in Sunway Pyramid. Why? Cause Sunway Pyramid is too big and far and it gets really jammed up in the evening. Which is so annoying. I don't like the Curve. The shops I love to shop in? Hm, that would be Forever 21, Cotton On, FOS, Padini, Reject Shop, Dorothy Perkins (sometimes). Not Zara. Zara's too expensive. So is Topshop. Well, sometimes I go there too. And others shops too. My favourite shop used to be Cotton On, but there's not much stuff there nowadays. And the price is getting higher and higher by the minute. So I prefer Forever 21. I like the style there, and some clothes there are reasonable. I went shopping yesterday. I shopped for jeans so now I need to shop for shoes. Damn, I rarely shop for shoes. Argh. I need new clothes. Though I just shopped for them yesterday, lol.

I woke up late, thanks to five guys yesterday. I woke up around 2.30. Then my sister took me to Bangsar to- Well, that's a surprise everybody I know will get. I'm soooooooooo excited.

2011-08-31T08:31:00.001-07:00

Hi Zarif!

U sux!

LOLJK u rawk!

U INVADE MY PRIVACY D;

oh, don't forget tutti frutti wahahahahaha.

Hair

2011-08-31T00:00:00.000-07:00

I realized that my hair actually grew! HAHA. Of course my hair would grow. And it goes brown in the sunlight. Is that normal? Or is it damaged?! Nah, couldn't be. It's just a colour. And it's soft nowadays. So I think there's nothing I should be worrying about. Oh, here are some photos, teehee!

Ignore the face, muahahah.

There's a really big difference in colour if you compare the first picture with the second....

See what I mean? Brown! And it only goes brown when some certain rays shine on it.

Weird. -.-

Raya

2011-08-30T23:54:00.000-07:00

So surprisingly first day of Raya wasn't that bad. I had fun while it lasted. I woke up in the morning and prepared myself. I tucked myself into my electric blue kebaya and started to put some eye-liner. I thought today was gonna be just another average day when people say sorry all that stuff. I mean come on, is Hari Raya the only day where you say sorry and stuff? What about before? I know it's the proper time to say "I'm sorry" and stuff. But what if that someone died before Raya comes?

I got a text last Saturday from Marina to come to her open house today. I thought I'd never make it. I mean, I rarely go out of the house. And my parents are usually busy. But there I was! In Marina's house. Honestly, before going to her house, I ate lots of sweet stuff. Like, rice with chicken and prawn, strawberry drink, cornflakes, bread pudding. So, my parents and I can't find her house. We were wondering why until we found out that the sign board wasn't very clear. It wasn't facing in our direction. So we wen't straight ahead before turning left. But anyway, I still found her house. Her house looks very old and beautiful. You know, like ancient stone houses? I find them quite cool. Yeah, everybody was there. There were Marina herself, Sau Mun, Violet, Divya, Cassandra and I. Everybody ate so Marina asked me to eat. They were staring at me... I felt so insecure! A big chocolate cake caught my eye. I was all oooohh! Marina cut a big piece for me! I was like homg. O_O But I didn't want to trouble anybody so I decided to finish it myself. And damn, I did it!

We went into Marina's computer room and opened her Facebook to see some.. stuff. Ew, HAHA. Then we opened Youtube and hear some songs. "Someone like you" by Adele, woohoo! We also watched a video about Angry Birds cake. It's like, a playable cake. You can play with it, but you can eat it. Suitable for birthdays. It was cool. Marina took out the 'Taboo' game. Omg, I love this game! It's so stressful yet so fun. It wasn't easy guessing sometimes. But some of it was really easy. A couple of minutes later, we found out that we played it the wrong way. -.- But it was funfunfun! I know we all had fun. Divya was so eager to receive the word " pregnant ". But in the end, she got it. Haha, the game was exciting. We had loads of fun. Sau Mun and Violet were a team and Marina and I were another. Sau Mun and Violet nearly won but we managed to catch up.

In the end, Sau Mun had to leave. So Divya replaced her. She and her bombastic usage of words lol hahaha. Divya and Cassandra had to leave. Guess what? Cassandra's mum actually gave us some Duit Raya. Thaaaaank you Cass, your mum is so nice! :D So there was left Violet, Marina and I. We played boggle for a while and talked for a bit. And she had to leave too a few minutes. And finally Marina and I were alone. We had a practically One-On-One session! :D HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Finally! And she played " Someone Like You " on the guitar and I was forced to sing. Well, thank God the rest weren't there. I wouldn't want to sing. So finally my dad call and I had to leave. Hugged her goodbye and left. It was really really fun. I really had fun there. Thank you Marina. Say thanks to your mum again. :D

At night, I left the house to watch a movie with my cousins. I didn't know what we were watching. Then I found out that we were watching Cars II. I was like, whut?! Man I'll sleep like this! But I didn't. I underestimated it. It was really really good! They made like, a James Bond kinda show and it was really great. Not like the first movie. I laughed throughout the show.

Haaaih, it was fun. I guess first day of Raya wasn't so bad after all. But anyway, I know the following days will be boring. But heck, whatever. At least I had a whole lot of fun today. (:

Someone like you

2011-08-29T00:46:00.000-07:00

" I heard that you're settled down. That you found a girl and you're married now. I heard that your dreams came true. Guess she gave you things, I didn't give to you.

Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back and hide from the light.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited but I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it. I'd hoped that you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded that for me, it isn't over.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you. I wish nothing but the best for you.
Don't forget me, I begged. I remember you said :-

"Sometimes it last in love but sometimes it hurts instead,"
Sometimes it last in love but sometimes it hurts instead.

Yeah ,"

Birthday

2011-08-27T09:16:00.000-07:00

I'm too lazy to post photos. But anyway, enjoy. ;)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO KHAVISHA !

I hope you had fun. Sure, of course it's just, you know, another day. A normal day yet a special one. But heck. I hope you had some fun. Let me take you to the past for a bit, yeah?

I still remember last year. Honestly, we hadn't really shared a memorable past. You were just another classmate to me. A weird one, to be exact. I kind of always thought that you were one of those people you know. As in, the study type. The one that doesn't discuss of any touching issues or dilemmas. I thought you were just another oblivious person. That might sound mean to you, but it isn't. Really. It's normal. Well, guess I thought wrong. On the contrary, actually. Still, I never had anything against you. I mean, I never really have a bad impression on somebody before. So far. We got closer this year. You sat right in front of me. And we got closer. And I got to know your character better. Turns out that you are really compatible with me. I think that we always think the same. You will always know what I'm thinking with just one look. And so would I. :) Finally, I trusted you enough to let you in on my feelings. I made the right choice to tell you. I knew you would understand me and hear me out. And that's why I chose to tell you. You wouldn't know how relieved I was when I knew that someone would hear me out.

In short, I just want to say that you've been a really good friend to me. I know, it's just been a year and a half or so. But it's the amount of times that you've spent what counts. I know you're a really nice and good person. I'm sorry if I ever hurt you in any possible ways, like laughing at you or teasing you or stuff. I would always try to hear you out or help you if you need me. Thank you so much for being such a good friend to me, even though you think I'm weird. Even though you don't really know much about me and my intentions. So don't ever change. :)

HAPPY BELATED TO NIK MARINA AND DIVYA DK!

Seriously, must I write like the whole "praising" thingy? Give me a break. I'm about to write something else. So David, heh? Ze ol' corrupted friend of mine. I'm about to let you in on a secret. Did you know that I always feel happy when you're around? (I don't mean it in a disgusting sexual way, HAHAHAAHAHA) Why? Because I just can feel your energy and the positive vibe in you. When I'm with you, my negative thoughts are washed away. At least, most of them. Anyway, you're like the life and soul of a party. So, it's really nice to have a good laugh with you everyday. :) And another thing. I know that you're all smart and all, but you should really know that I don't like you just because of your smartness. I'm not that kind of person. I like you for who you really are. If I don't, I wouldn't have written this post for you. So, got that? Anyway, thanks for being a good friend to me too. Like, you're always assist me when I'm having trouble with my studies. I appreciate that. A piece of advice for you, David. Control your hormones! HAHA thank you. xD

Marina.
Hm, Marina.
Just another blur and crazy girl that I met a year ago. HAHA. I know we have drifted apart slightly. Because you're not in the same class as I am anymore. But it's okay. It's nice to see you happy with others. Let's see. We haven't had our one-on-one in quite a while, eh? But it's okaay. Thanks for inviting me. (: I appreciate it. I know I know, you've been a good friend to me. And I know sometimes I feel like I pushed you away or something like that? Or am I being obnoxious? I'm sorry. OMG, I still remember during merdeka you always went to pee or something lol. And then you always hear about my boy stories and all. How could you have tolerated me back then? :') But thanks for being such a good friend to me. I shall remember you forever. Oh and I will give you a present next year then ! ;)

Mistakes

2011-08-26T03:09:00.000-07:00

BEFORE ATTEMPTING TO READ FURTHER, I've changed my layouts and stuff. Oh and good luck with the font. I know it's not easy to read. But it shows those who really are loyal and genuinely interested in me. So if you don't bother to take the initiative, then. I guess you're not my true friend. But heck, what do you even care? :)

_______________________________________________

Tomorrow. Today. Yesterday. A year can change everything. A month can change everything. A day can change everything. An hour can change everything. A minute can change everything and a second can change someone's life completely. Whether good or bad. If only we'd known what the future has in store for us. If only. Then we could prevent ourselves from making mistakes or prepare ourselves for facing the challenges and hardship ahead. But then, that isn't what life is about. Life is all about surprises and suspense. Without making mistakes, you will never acknowledge your wrong-doings. You couldn't even differentiate what's right and what's wrong. So, it's okay to make mistakes. Of course, reasonable mistakes. Not making such inane and deliberate mistakes. Sure, you'll get upset and disappointed. You'll feel as if your heart's being ripped apart and you could practically hear the sound of it being smashed into pieces. It hurts. It really does. But without making mistakes, you'll never get the feeling and determination to strive for the betterment of the future. You'll never get to gain experience. Or even to rectify what's wrong. You have to understand. These kinds of things happen in our daily lives. In everybody's. You can't escape it.

Sometimes, you just can't be too confident. Too confident that you outshine the others. Too confident that you will ace in whatever or anything you do. Because in the end, you're the one getting hurt. You build yourself a castle of high and false hopes. And you will be the one who bursts into tears. You're too confident you won't get any horrifying effects that you didn't prepare yourself to face the worst. And as usual, your heart gets shattered. There is a Malay saying that goes,"Setinggi-tinggi tupai melompat, akhirnya jatuh ke tanah jua," In addition, you shouldn't worry too much. You shouldn't worry about the simple and careless mistakes that you make in life. Why should you let such small mistakes have big power over you? Anyway, you're the one who made the mistake. You can't erase your mistake or unwind your past. Learning about acceptance is really essential in a person's life. To crown it all, never ever ever look down upon people. Never think that you're all high and mighty than somebody else. Never think that you are much higher or smarter than a person. Because what goes up must come down. Your turn will come soon. One day you will find yourself falling into the "horrifying" category that you drew a line between you and the others. You will face a huge humiliation that you wouldn't even know where you should bury that face of yours. Everybody is the same. You and I, we're humans. We're equal. I might be better in something that you're not. But you don't have the right to look down upon people. If you do so, then God has the right to look down upon you.

So here it is. Here I am. Just giving some simple advice to you. Sure, a person that's headstrong won't even consider my advice and options. They will think that I'm infinitely wrong and will deny me flatly. In complete denial. But in the end, it all comes back to you. It's your life. Your life is what you make out of it. So, you decide.

Vanilla Twilight

2011-08-25T06:03:00.000-07:00

The stars lean down to kiss you and I lie awake and miss you. Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere cause I'll doze off safe and soundly. But I'll miss your arms around me. I'd send a postcard to you, dear. 'Cause I wish you were here. I'll watch the night turn light-blue. But it's not the same without you because it takes two to whisper quietly. The silence isn't so bad 'til I look at my hands and feel sad. 'Cause the spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly.

I'll find repose in new ways though I haven't slept in two day cause cold nostalgia chills me to the bone. But drenched in vanilla twilight, I'll sit on the front porch all night, waist-deep in thought because when I think of you, I don't feel so alone.

I don't feel so alone.
I don't feel so alone.
As many times as I blink,
I'll think of you tonight.
I'll think of you tonight.

When violet eyes get brighter and heavy wings grow lighter, I'll taste the sky and feel alive again. And I'll forget the world that I knew. But I swear I won't forget you. Oh, if my voice could reach back through the past, I'd whisper in your ear, "Oh darling, I wish you were here,"

_______________________________________________

So yeah, trials are over.

Fun

2011-07-29T09:42:00.000-07:00

Went for Solat Hajat with Zarif, Mahathir, and a few other friends. Had potluck after that. I ate a lot yesterday. It was fun while it lasted. Today was cold. I was freezing. I wish I had brought my jacket along or something. I thought I was in China or something. I had my tetanus jab too, today. I was panicking cause Adline kept saying it hurt. Well it didn't hurt when the nurse poked it into my hand. It felt as if a big ant was biting me. Well honestly, I know how that felt. There was this one day when I was so exhausted that I slept on the couch. I had forgotten that my nephew always eat food until there are crumbs of food scattered on the couch. I kept scratching my back when I was sleeping. When I woke up, I discovered that there were ants! I slept on ants! Yeah, I'll never sleep on the couch again. So anyway, I didn't feel anything then but the after effects was just... my left hand hurt. The pain is stinging. It's not painful but it's painful. Do you get what I'm trying to say here? Man, now I have to pick up a dress to wear for a party tomorrow. Oh yeah, happy birthday to my nephew, Iskandar Zaqwan. :D

Cynical

2011-07-22T11:09:00.000-07:00

It has been a while since I post something on my blog, hasn't it? It's funny how life can make you as busy as a bee and so occupied. Believe me, I'm occupied with some assignments in school. Many will question and complain about the existence of assignments or projects or perhaps some "stupid" slideshows. Yeah sure, all that may be time-consuming but in the end, everything happens for a reason. A good one. Look on the bright side, it might help us in the future. Hey yeah, I'm trying to be optimistic here. Sigh well, life is one thing that keeps my fingers away from the keyboard. Feelings, or mood, as you call it, is another.

Feelings are very important. Of course, it's blatant and unquestionable that feelings are important but I'm not just stating what's on the surface. I'm delving deeper into the surface. Come to think of it, you do something because you feel like it. For example, if you feel like you crave for a rich chocolate ice-cream, you'll go buy one. Sometimes feelings drive you to do insane things. Especially when it comes to love. Some people would swim an ocean for their beloved. Some people would take a longer route just to see the person they admire. They are controlled by their uncontrollable feelings. Feelings can be dangerous. For instance, if you harbor a vehement hatred for somebody, the feeling might overpower you and you might end up hurting that someone you detest. Fascinating yet dangerous. A feeling can trigger actions. If you like or dislike a certain person, your feelings are portrayed through you actions. Sometimes you just cannot help it. You cannot force yourself not to act how you feel, right? But what triggers feelings?

Feelings, huh? It is that strong. Sometimes I wonder how the world would be like without feelings. The world would be so cold and such a cruel place to live filled with terror. I wonder how I would be like without feelings. Sometimes I just don't want to feel. Because feelings hurt me in the end. Sometimes I wish numbness would envelop and invade all my senses. I want to be free. But would that make me free? Or will I be some plastic, heartless robot?

Lately I find it difficult to stay patient with others. I guess my fuse is running short as days go by. But truth to be told, there's actually nothing that I can do. I could just sigh, perhaps complain to others. But even as I utter those words, it is not beneficial nor fruitful and others view it as either immaturity or pass it off as a temporary spell. Most of the time I find myself silent. You see, when I go silent, it only means three things. One, it's either there is a song, a scene or a dilemma running in my head. Two, I don't have anything in particular to talk about with you or rather, I just don't feel like talking. Three, you are a thorn on my side.

But I'm fatigued of being soundless. Of having no voice and being the one in the background. I just want to be heard because I have a voice. My only option would be just to keep a stiff upper-lip. I'm changing and so is my character, but not my heart. My heart remains constant. Maybe self-complex gets in the way but I feel awkward to voice out since I don't have much to say and I might make myself look like a fool. On the other hand, I'm also too lazy to create a ruckus or to bicker with some people. In a way, I don't want to tell people what I have against them. I want them to discover and acknowledge the horrifying fact themselves. I will never raise up the issue and until that person has finally turned over a new leaf, I would stop giving them a cold shoulder.

I do not give people a cold shoulder for no reason. I'm a very warm person. I only demoralize people for a strong reason. And maybe if I could gain enough fury, I could demoralize someone in the next post. Now, a typical Malay minded person would just sneer at me for "backing myself up". They would make fun at me at the back of their minds. I'm sorry but here, I speak nothing but of the truth and here is where I bare my heart and soul. Who am I? I can't stand people who like to bring me down. I can't stand people who make fun of me and/or others. I can't stand people who have hidden agendas. I can't stand people who are covetous and resentful. I can't stand people who just make hurtful assumptions about me. That is who I am. If you can't stand it than it was never meant to be. You and I, are like two puzzles that will never fit each other. You and I, are like two melodies that will never be in harmony. You and I, both are of the like-poles.

But my dear, that's life. Who am I to order people here and there? Pardon me, I'm not a tyrant. Unlike some people.

2011-07-16T08:32:00.000-07:00

I know that I've been very distant nowadays. Distant, discreet, silent, far-off. I just like to think.

2011-07-13T01:08:00.000-07:00

I don't really have anything to write so I'm just going to write facts about me.

I've never eaten Durian, Ramen, pineapple, mooncake(?).. and lots of other stuff. Believe me. Hey, I just want to maintain my uniqueness. Haha yeah sure, uniqueness.
I wear my watch on my right hand even though I'm right handed. Some people find this weird.
I wear my baju-kurung skirt the other way around....
I like to peel the skin of my upper lip. Heck.
I'm a perfectionist. In some certain things. Hate to admit it but yeah.
I don't really give a fuck about the surroundings. Serious. Well, not most of the time. But when I don't give a fuck, I really don't give a fuck.
I hate guys who blow their own trumpets.
I don't know how to use a knife....
I laugh at the littlest things.
I don't cry in front of people. I just don't.
I like to keep my thoughts to myself.
My taste of music is weird.
I stone. #shrug
I like acting slow.
I like shrugging.
I get tired easily. My stamina isn't that good.
Open minded.

2011-07-08T08:29:00.000-07:00

Sushi

2011-07-08T08:01:00.000-07:00

Today was Hari Koko. The Form Three Japanese club students were in charge of making and selling sushi! And I had my first sushi today. We had to be in the Cooking Room by 7.30 today to prepare everything. Everybody was busy doing and preparing stuff. Cutting the cucumber, the carrots, mixing the egg, the rice, preparing containers, washing everything, etc. I cut the crab meat and the carrot! I loooooooove crab meat! I'm going to go to the market some day, buy crab meat and make it as my new junk food. We placed them in a Tupperware. When anyone's not looking, I stole one and put it inside my mouth. It's just.. irresistible. The carrots were really hard. This was my first time cutting some hard carrots. Yeah... I'm not a kitchen person. Koshi cut her finger and the cut was deep. So I cut the knife awkwardly but with precaution. I even learned how to peel the carrot using the peeler. I am really glad that I was a part of this sushi making-selling. Asides that, I got to skip all those stupid, boring talk and the prize giving ceremony. Plus, I got to sharpen my kitchen skills.

We weren't given tents as promised. How great. But it didn't really matter. We were eager to sell. We set up all those stuff and soon people just started coming. It's actually DIY temaki. So they have to do their own sushi. I'll only be there to assist them. So people started coming one by one. I explained everything to them. The sale was from 9.30 until 11. I thought someone was there to take over my place for awhile and I could just roam free and at least buy a bubble tea or two. But no. Xhi Lin didn't know how to make the sushi, so I had to most of the work. I stood there for one and a half hour, explaining the same thing to every girl while they kept complaining that the rice was sticky. Like hello, it's sticky rice, you should know that. Even I knew that and I had never eaten sushi before. Teacher was right indeed, the girls were messy. They scooped some eggs or tuna and oops! dropped them. And I'm all like "... okay, don't take too much rice/eggs/tuna". Some of them even said "Huh, use our own hands?" Well first of all, that's why the spray and the water was there to a) clean your hands and b) to help you to spread out and flatten the rice. Besides, you're gonna eat it anyway, it's your sushi. Regardless, the sales were good. We got a good response and earned an okay amount of money. Three hundred something. A large crowd of students, and even teachers, gathered around our stall. I mean, who doesn't like sushi? Probably some people. But still. I was proud.

Being proud was one thing. The other was being very exhausted and fatigued. Now I know how it works in Sushi King even though I've never stepped a foot into that place. But I bet it's worse. We went back to the Cooking Room and made even more sushi for ourselves since we had some remaining ingredients. I only made a few because I'd had enough of them already and I know that by the time I bring it back home, it wouldn't taste as fresh or that exhilarating. I still remember in the morning, the first time I made my first sushi, it was sinful. It was sex in mouth. Tongue-gasm. I went to the other room while they cleaned the place. Honestly, the room reeked. So I went over to the next room to find peace and waited for the bell to ring with a few friends.

All in all, it was a great day. I thank God that I didn't have to go through the immense boredom of hearing the talk and the prize giving ceremony. They didn't even give proper certificates. It was just for show. Eh, whatever. I know that from the bottom of their hearts, those who were involved in the sushi-making had tons of fun. Because I did.

On my own

2011-07-04T03:43:00.000-07:00

On my own, pretending he's beside me. All alone, I walk with him till morning. Without him, I feel his arms around me. And when I lose my way I close my eyes and he has found me.

In the rain the pavement shines like silver. All the lights are misty in the river. In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight. And all I see is him and me for ever and forever.

And I know it's only in my mind; that I'm talking to myself and not to him. And although I know that he is blind, still I say, there's a way for us..

I love him. But when the night is over he is gone, the river's just a river. Without him the world around me changes. The trees are bare and everywhere, the streets are full of strangers.

I love him. But every day I'm learning. All my life I've only been pretending. Without me, his world will go on turning. A world that's full of happiness that I have never known.

I love him,

But only on my own.

Silence

2011-07-02T08:45:00.000-07:00

Fact #7 : I don't like people to talk about the things that I posted on my blog.

Like seriously. Don't question my feelings. Isn't knowing enough already?

What a hectic week I had. Sports day and that 1Malaysia program thing. All in all, it was fine. I can't believe I woke up and went for that program. Knowing myself, I wouldn't. But I did it for the certificate. Just that. CGPA? Nah, you wouldn't think that it would affect your marks, would you? Come on. I didn't take attendance when I was in form one and my results was not affected. Or so I thought. Nevertheless, I went to make my future easier. It was fine, the walk. It was like going for a morning walk. Cool breeze drifted through my face, my fingers and my hair. It wasn't that bad. But that was it. The fun lasted until there. The rest of the program sucked like hell. I fell asleep during the talk. All the houses did their aerobic shit and they made us clean the field. Whatever. Now I think I'm sick. Sneezing here and there. Just great.

I realized that I no longer talk that much anymore. Not only don't I have anything to share, but I prefer to keep my thoughts to myself. Sometimes when I voice out what I think, I always get annoyed and nobody seems to care what I feel. So now I prefer to bottle what I feel and think because I know that nobody will annoy or disagree with me. Just me and me. No. No specific incident transformed me. I'm just fatigued, after three years or probably more, and I finally have enough energy to exert myself to stay silent. I'm trying not to laugh too much too. I'm going to be a very grim person then! I guess I'll be shrugging most of the time. Shrugging would be my favourite habit now. *shrugs

New friend

2011-06-25T12:05:00.000-07:00

25th JUNE, I met a guy name Nik Nur Iman! :D

He's so nice and funny! We have lots of things in common! Practically lots of things! :D

And I laughed a lot while I talk to him. It felt like ages since I laughed like this.

Especially with a guy!

How we meet?

Well.

That can only mean one thing.

I say "Fate".

He say "Destiny".

See, we have lots of things in common. :D

We kool liddat !
And he likes my hair. O.O :D

Nik : It's my turn to say " I feel honoured! :D "
Zaza : HAHAHA YAY, that's my trademark!
Nik : No. OUR trademark. :D

Nik : I tak tau, my music taste kadang kadang tukar, hahaha, if i emo,
Zaza : AHAHAH ME TOO!
Nik : Jangan cakap la, Backstreet Boys terus if i tgh emo xD
Zaza : HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

2011-06-25T03:07:00.001-07:00

I love you too.

I stand alone

2011-06-24T01:55:00.000-07:00

A guy once opined that, " Maybe you're the one who don't understand yourself ," I think not. I really understand myself. I am conversant with what I want and what I need. I know how I 'work'. I perceive it. But I couldn't fathom out some other people. Sometimes they remark one thing and mean another. At times they're all ears when you need them, sometimes they just bash you. Real hard, without hesitance. I can't apprehend that. They declare something and do the opposite. Like two different individuals. Can't you resolve on what you really want to do? Oh please. Aren't we all a two-faced bitch. What's the point of being covetous? Honestly, I'd rather much be begrudging of myself. (Is that even possible?) It's kind of moronic. It's like, longing for something you just don't possess. I'd rather much exert myself for it rather than being jealous. I'd rather much work for it rather than being broken. If it's not meant to be, then it's not meant to be. Complains and tears won't get you anywhere. But then again, that's just me.

Some people just won't give me a break. I feel like I need time for myself. I'm fatigued. Some people might mouth off bad comments at me of not being involved and committed to Sports Day. (Sports? Not my forte. I'm more of an artsy person) But seriously, shut the fuck up. I chose not to be in anything. I chose not to be supportive of my team. And I'm not alone. It's my decision, let me be who I want to be. Stop criticizing me. It might not occur to you that I'm cursing really hard when anyone mocks about me not joining anything for Sports Day, even though I might be giggling or smiling simultaneously. You want victory? Help yourself out. Don't involve me. I'm not contributing much either. So stop forcing me. I know I'm being self-centered. But just look at you. At least I'm not fearful to acknowledge and concede it. I know you all are hopeless in organizing. I'm tired mentally and emotionally. And my back hurts. You might think that " Please, that's all? I go through a lot" and blablabla. That's not my problem. What do you know? You don't live under the same roof as I do, right? You are not in my shoes, right? So I recommend you shut the fuck up cause I won't hear a single thing you command. Go ahead, waste your energy. Do something productive like, I don't know, grow a brain-cell perhaps.

I'm so exhausted of being the one to blame. Why can't you just take a look at yourself for once? Not that any realization would dawn upon any one of you. I'm so tired of diverting you. Every single one of you. Some people are just so insensitive. But they'll be really sensitive when it's about themselves. So that's why I'm trying my best to stand up for myself. That's why today, I demanded for the truth and the justification from her, about the rumors. Some (stupid) people might think I'm picking a fight. That's really juvenile. Plus, that rumor is involving me. Even though I know the truth that I didn't do that, but I want to know the candour of the rumor and the cause. It's easy for you to order me to shrug it off. Because none of you are in my shoes. You guys had options, to make me feel better or to shut the fuck up. And you guys chose the latter. What if you were to be part of the play? I bet some of you would be bursting into tears, exasperation and devastation. But no, all that is an alien-concept to me. Sure, I might be enraged at the juncture, but I just want to have a grasp of the legitimate vindication. That is all. That's what made me wrathful. If I'd known why, I wouldn't be vexed with anything you want zero in on at me. Heck, I wouldn't give a fuck, to be precise.

And today is Friday. Every body is just so occupied with their business. I, on the other hand, am busy with myself. I have two homework today. Maths and English. English wouldn't be that bad. Descriptions. I'm good in describing stuff. At least, I think I am.

2011-06-21T08:07:00.001-07:00

Been staring at the computer for hours.

I completed my NiE Magazine all by myself.

And I'm proud of the outcome.
Allow me to drop dead now.

Before that, I'm

Going to:

❒ Paris
❒ New York
❒ London
✔ KITCHEN, I'm hungry.

Birthday

2011-06-21T05:06:00.000-07:00

Right guy, wrong time.
Right time, wrong guy.
New guy, old lines.
Old guy, new lies.

___________________________________________________

I had some weird on-hiatus period for a moment. But I realized that, no! I can't do this, I love blogging. Whatever. So here I am. Though I won't be blogging constantly like I did.

20 June passed. It was my birthday. I was pretty excited. It seemed ages since my birthday. Another 365 days more. Sigh. People flooded my wall with birthday posts. I really really am grateful for that. Because even though they had been reminded by Facebook, they still took the initiative to wish me. And I thanked them for that. Really. Unlike some others, who are closer to me than my juniors. Didn't even wish me. But it's alright. It's their choice. Nothing relevant. But even though it seemed like a discrete issue, even though I said 'it's alright', I still care and I'm still hurt with those who are close to me or shares/shared a bond with me, but didn't even wish me. Mas was the first to wish me, at 12 sharp. Then Adline, followed by Khairina. The first to wish me before 12 was Zarif, and then Lea. Sweet texts. Hah. Thank you, loves.

I woke up with a fresh mood. I didn't even feel sleepy even though I slept late. People didn't really remember my birthday. Really. I wouldn't blame them. Of course, every body was just so busy with school and sports. The first thing Divya said to me was, "Eh, hantar your Maths book!" Mas just giggled and I was like "..... How could you!" HAHAHA. Frankly, I just can't believe Divya had forgotten my birthday. Not to mention Cassandra too. I mean, they always remember and they're the organized one. So yeah. But it's okay. I understand. At least some people wished me in school. Okay, I lied. Lots of people did. But you know, I want them to wish me sincerely without forgetting and without being reminded. But yeah. Some people didn't wish me at all even though they knew it was my birthday. Just..... ego. Mas brought two slices of cake. One chocolate and one strawberry. I gnawed the strawberry cake. People sang for me in the canteen. I thought it wasn't really that loud, but some of my friends claimed that they could hear it outside the canteen. Aw, I feel honoured. :')

Overall, it wasn't pretty bad. Was just another day for me. And obviously for others. I'm really thankful to Mas and Marina. You guys gave me great gifts. I don't receive much gifts this year. Just from both of you. But at least, somebody was there to illuminate my day.

2011-06-17T07:19:00.001-07:00

~~Hiatus until PMR ends.~~

If I were a boy?

2011-06-15T00:59:00.000-07:00

Sometimes if I were to be in a guy's shoes, will I date myself? Well, I think the answer won't be exactly positive. Why? Because I'm not hot and I'm not that stunning and I'm not that mind-blowing looking girl. I'm also not pretty or what you call it? Beautiful. They say that the first thing guys will notice about you is the eyes. Well, they're lying. It's your boobs. Haha okay, maybe not, but they just examine you from head to toe and if they think that you're smoking, ding ding! you've got someone chasing for you like a bullet train. A desperate one, if it were to be a desperate guy. Anyway, I think that I'm weird. Sometimes I mouth off things that aren't supposed to be said, and people get hurt. I don't mean to hurt them intentionally, though. It was a stupid mistake that I suddenly blurt something. I know, I should think before I speak, but I thought it was supposed to be funny but I guess it wasn't. I have mood swings, so sometimes if a guy is keen to talk to me I would just treat him coldly. And I just don't get along with some guys. Oh yes, I like to give guys whom I'm not interested with, false hopes. I guess you could say I'm mean, in a way. I'm not easy too. It's not easy to please me. I'm just not some girl that you can "nail". Try to win my heart for about 400 days with a decent demeanor. Not easy. Asides that, I ask boys too many questions like "Why me" and things like that. To add icing to the cake, I'm boring. I wonder why some boys want to get with me. Probably just because of looks. But I don't have looks. I mean, of course I do, but I'm not pretty or drop dead gorgeous. Besides, I'm damn choosy and sensitive but not emotional. I like to bring something up about that guy to let him know something about themselves (because I'm sensitive) but they would just snap and get mad with me. I just intended to make you into a better person, that's all. Seriously.

But you know something about me? I'm nice. And I will treat you right if you do. I will treat you back the same way as you did to me. But there's a catch. Get to know me better first. Besides, I'm very open and understanding. And I will love you truly if you love me back and treat me right. I'm slightly fascinating in a way (though I'm boring). But yeah, that's all. I'm nothing special. I'm just an average girl with little added details here and there. Just slightly different.

2011-06-14T06:42:00.000-07:00

" You know, if you don't want to talk to me then say so. I don't deserve this. Goodnight ,"

_____________________________________________

I'm just sick.
I'm so tired.
Tired of pleasing everybody.
So very tired.
People just won't understand.
I just don't understand.
I just feel like having an amnesia.
I want to forget.. everything.

Fringe

2011-06-13T05:50:00.000-07:00

HOLY FU-

Zaza cut off her fringe?! Accompanied by Masnizza Ramlan to the salon.

We were supposed to print stuff for NiE. But I couldn't take one more second with my long fringe.

Heck, I looked ugly.

But now.....

Today was a good day. Finished NiE by printing it with Mas! And then cut off my hair. With her too! And then ate at Mamak with her too! :D Usual place, usual food. ;) Great experience.

Shit.

I just can't believe I cut off my fringe. It's like.. am I for real?

I thought I promised myself not to cut bangs again as I looked ugly when I was younger.

But that was different. My hair was curly back then. Now my fringe is straight. But my hair is kind of wavy. Everybody's gonna have a shock tomorrow. ;o

Turning Tables

2011-06-12T08:10:00.000-07:00

Close enough to start a war. All that I have is on the floor. God only knows what we're fighting for. All that I say, you always say more.

I can't keep up with your turning tables. Under your thumb, I can't breathe.

So I won't let you close enough to hurt me.No, I won't ask you, you to just desert me. I can't give you, what you think you give me. It's time to say goodbye to turning tables.To turning tables.

Under haunted skies I see you, ooh. Where love is lost, your ghost is found. I braved a hundred storms to leave you. As hard as you try, no I will never be knocked down

I can't keep up with your turning tables. Under your thumb, I can't breathe.

So I won't let you close enough to hurt me, no, I won't ask you, you to just desert me. I can't give you, what you think you give me. It's time to say goodbye to turning tables. Turning tables.

Next time I'll be braver. I'll be my own savior. When the thunder calls for me. Next time I'll be braver
I'll be my own savior. Standing on my own two feet

I won't let you close enough to hurt me, no, I won't ask you, you to just desert me. I can't give you, what you think you give me. It's time to say goodbye to turning tables. To turning tables.Turning tables, yeah. Turning, oh.

- What I'm feeling. Man, I want to sing this song on stage with emotions.

Stake that

2011-06-12T03:12:00.000-07:00

To the guy that says 'Forever'. That's bullshit. Stop lying.
To the guy that says 'Always'. That's poppycock. Why can't you stop lying?
To the guy that forgets me. So you have other girls to care about?
To the guy that doesn't bother. Go to hell.
To the guy that broke promises. Don't make promises if you're not man enough to keep them.
To the guy that slashed the heart. How about if I slash your d***?
To the guy that is a coward. You don't deserve to call yourself a man.
To the guy that looks for looks. You deserve to be blind.
To the guy that is not loyal. You deserved to be staked at the heart.
To the guy who has no respect. No one should respect you.

To the guy who proved me wrong. I love you.
To the guy who came back to me. I love you.
To the guy who bothers. I love you.
To the guy who embraced me and my flaws. I love you.
To the guy who keeps his promises. I love you.
To the guy who makes me smile. I love you.
To the guy that is loyal. I love you.
To the guy who is a man and not a coward. I love you.
To the guy who sees me through my heart. I love you.
To the guy who will never forget me. Ever. I love you. Ever.

But none of them proved me wrong.
But none of them came back to me.
But none of them bothered.
But none of them embraced me and my flaws.
But none of them kept their promises.
But none of them made me truly smile.
But none of them are loyal.
But none of them are man; they're coward.
But none of them sees me through the heart.
But none of them remembered me.

Ever.

Care

2011-06-11T00:05:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder why people actually care for other people. Do they actually care about that person? And I'm saying really really care, or do they just do it because they have to? They have to because they're forced to. They have to because he or she is their friend. They have to because he or she is respected. They have to because they simply just want fame. Why do people want to even care about a person? Why do people want to hear all that person's problems and sometimes help them solve it? I don't understand. Why? Why help others, when you can't help yourself? Does it bring benefits to you, by caring about others? I'm sure it brings more benefits if you actually care more about yourself and try to help yourself out. So why do people still care about some other people's issues or problems? Maybe it's because they know what the other person felt. Just maybe. I don't know. How can one care so much for others? Don't they care about oneself too? Questions are continuously whizzing and buzzing in my mind, trying to seek for answers but to no avail. But then again, why do I care? Why do I care about care? Why do I think and care about what other people feel and care? Why should I care?

Sometimes I wish I could be numb and not care for anything. Sometimes I want to not care about myself. I just want catastrophe to happen and I just don't want to give a hell. I don't want to care. When a person says "I'm worried about you" or "Take care", all I want to do is just. Not care. But I simply can't. I don't know. You must be thinking that I'm so weird, suddenly talking about care, but I'm just puzzled. And here's where I type out my feelings. But I think I know why I care. It's because I'm human. As long as I see, hear and feel, I still care. I still do. Well, in a way that sucks. But on the bright side, I'm.. human.

_________________________________________________

I stood next to him, not very near to him, waiting for my car to arrive after tuition. Some other girls, who still had not gone home was standing and circling at one spot. I just stared at him as he listened to his music, and shaking his head to the beat that couldn't be heard to my ears. I was staring at him and it was very blatant. He stopped humming and looked at me. "Can't you hear what I'm listening to?" I shook my head. I moved myself nearer to him and attempted to hear the music that he's hearing but it was futile. I stayed silent.

"Here," He offered me the other side of his ear plug. I took it without hesitant and plugged it into my ears. Some girls might be thinking what were we doing, so close together. I didn't care. We were just listening to music. He's off limits and he's just a friend to me. Ballad of Monalisa by Panic! at the Disco. My favourite song. Ours. Stood next to him for about 30 minutes and then pulled off the ear plug when my parents arrived and mouthed 'bye' to him.

He has got a nice taste of music.

Hot and Cold

2011-06-09T08:30:00.000-07:00

*click for a better view*

Cold or hot? Which one would you prefer?
Well, I prefer the hot one, haha. :p
Yes, this is my natural look, no makeups. -.-
Just a bit of edited colour.
Yeah, my clothes were ripped.
Sexy, isn't it?
HAHAHAHAHAHA, joking.

Promise

2011-06-08T08:09:00.000-07:00

Him : "But I promised. So I'll bring you there one day, okay. That's my promise to you ,"

Even though he's just a friend, but somehow what he said, these words meant a lot to me. I really like it when someone keeps their promises after they had made a promise. I hate someone who breaks promises.

I'll give him credits for that. It's not that I had romantic feelings for him, but I'm glad that everything's cool and all. And guess what? He gave advices about this one guy. Seriously?! I was like, omgwtf. Haha but seriously, I'm just glad. I can feel that our bond is stronger now ever since last night. (#lolthatsoundswrong)

________________________________________________________________

" Who we talked about? You. Yeah, you. My used-to-be. My past. You, in the past. I still remember. I still keep my promises. And if only you were to read this post ,"

2011-06-06T07:33:00.001-07:00

The awkward moment when you found out that your classmate in school, who is shy, is very active and very hyper and very giddy on facebook.

Awkward.

Wreck

2011-06-06T06:03:00.000-07:00

Life really sucks when you have to do another 10 more chapters of Maths. Including the Mid-Year and the End-Year paper. It really sucks when you have to work on two stupid 500-word article just to get a dumb regular pizza voucher instead of getting a small, personal pan. Dude, I can buy a pizza; heck, a large pizza anytime I want. Not to mention, completing the magazines too. Life isn't the greatest when you have to memorize lots of things, for example, your oral and your studies. Also, it gets worse when you get yourself into bigger drag when you decided to join a play for the school. (Don't get me wrong, I refuse to but some of my friends forced me) Not only do I have to memorize school stuff, but I have to memorize my script. But that's not really a problem though. Life isn't that appealing when you're having a major exam this year. It isn't appealing that you have to do all sorts of homework and you have to be neat and in time when handing in your books. Life isn't joy when you have to please everyone, including teachers. Also, you have to deal with some girls in your school, with their disgusting, horrible behavior. Such girls that needs to be high-fived in the face with a wooden chair. But life really really sucks, when you're utterly hungry; there's nothing in the fridge or in the kitchen, and your parents just don't bother that YOU ARE FAMISHED and YOU ARE ON YOUR MENSTRUATION. UGH. I know, I'm complaining. I know, I procrastinate. But I'm human too. Can't the Ministry of Education pity us students? Seriously. Why don't they, for once, be in our shoes? Sit in school for about eight hours, having to study and also deal with all the mess and friends' annoying demeanor. I know I shouldn't complain, I should be grateful, and I'm on my menstruation, but all of us, are a wreck. We are, a wreck.

2011-06-05T00:06:00.001-07:00

Masnizza! Update your Tumblr more! Haish. Now I feel like having a Tumblr but.. KENOT. MUST. RESIST.

Apologize

2011-06-04T08:46:00.001-07:00

I loved you with a fire red,

Now it's turning blue,

Lonely

2011-06-04T06:15:00.000-07:00

Where's everybody? I feel so alone. I think the only friend that stuck with me was Mas. (btw, sorry I didn't reply. My credit is depleting. Lazy to top-up. And nah, it's not me there at Tutti Fruity. Haven't been there before. I mean, the one in KJ) Yeah. Friends? Oh yes, I have lots of "friends". Friends who say "I'll always be with you" "I'll always talk to you" "Don't worry, I'm here for you" (Actually, that sounds like a guy talking but HAHA who cares. Phrases similar like those) are just.. bullshit. I just don't know. I know I have lots of "friends" but none of them want to say "Hi, how are you?" I know some only said so just because they had too. Or because of some other reason. You know what I mean. Or not. Nonetheless, I just feel lonely. Yeah, I had a blast with my cousins but other than that I have no one, asides from Mas.

Just finished a four-hundred-paged book today. And I just bought the book today. (Seriously, Za?!) That shows how I'm so bored. I know I should finish my Maths, but it just give me headaches. I know I should memorize my bm oral. But I just couldn't get to it. I know I should memorize my script and fix my intonation but I just.. won't let myself. All these things, they're the kind of activities that involves... myself. And sometimes, talking to Mas most of the time make me feel guilty because.. I'm sure she has other things to do. I just have no one asides from her. My family? Nah. I don't talk to them. I mean, I do. But not personal stuff. They're busy. I wouldn't wanna bother them with my little "problems".

I know, it's not just "friends" who say 'Hi how are you' stuffs that I want. I just want.. someone that I don't feel... fake around. Like, I can be myself. (so far there's only Mas and uh..) It's true what she says. She's just pleasing everybody. But soon it dawned upon me that I'm like that too. Pleasing everybody. I can't be myself. I can't go my own way because if I do, people will start being all weird and ~~emotional~~ (I won't use this word. I hate it. I hate it when people use this word to describe me. They think I'm being emotional but I'm stating the fact and the truth. Some people can't stand that I'm actually revealing the ugly and painful truth about them that they use the word "emotional" to describe me as an excuse to their pain) annoying. Or sometimes they might go speechless and shut the fuck up, and I will know instantly what they're thinking. Disagreements. I dislike them too. So yeah. It's not easy trying to find the perfect one. I'm not just emphasizing on boys here, but also girls, friends and whatsoever people that one could have a relationship with. But that's life and I'm complicated. I'll just have to deal with it and endure every thing, I guess.....,

Oh yeah, remember the boy that I posted on my blog back then? Yeah, he said 'Hi'. Douche, go to your girlfriend, I beg you.

Sunway Lagoon

2011-06-03T02:57:00.000-07:00

Second trip to Sunway Lagoon. Six words :

Fucking Best Gila Babi Nak Mati.

It's not just because of the trip and rides and all, but the people you're going with. I went with my cousins. They're all male, and a little girl with the mum, but that was it. They rock. They're not the annoying type of girls who leave you behind. So yeah. First off, we went to Sunway Pyramid and had breakfast at Subways. Then we headed to Sunway Lagoon. I changed into my swimsuit and went to the Water Park. Although my aunt didn't think it was a good idea, I thought it was. Because there were not people then. So without queuing, we just took the float and went up there to the slide. I sat behind my cousin. The man in charge pushed us. We were high up in the air we came sliding down! It was squealing the whole ride. Splashes of water splashed our whole figures. My cousins and I went to the other slide. I thought it was just another same, fun ride. But then suddenly, everything was dark as we entered the slide. I couldn't see anything but the float just kept sliding really quickly and it was cornering here and there and in the end, bam! we found ourselves out in the sunshine.. and in the water. It was fucking fun! Next we went to um, a pool. It was like a so called beach. There was a huge container placed on top of something containing water. So my cousins and I sat down right exactly near the place. We were just chilling and then the container splashed water mercilessly on top of our heads. Whoo! We also went to another slide, but we used like, mats to slide ourselves. Oh my god. That was fun. But you gotta be careful. If you're too light, the mat might slip off. So I depended on my weight to push the mat onto the slide and held on the mat. Oh yes, water park was awesome. There were lots more, but words can't describe.

We went to the Wild Life park but it was just average. I had had enough of seeing animals. So we went to the amusement park also known as the dry park. We went on the turning cups because my little cousin wanted to. Near to the cups, was the Pirates Revenge. One of my cousins wanted to ride it but the other one claimed that it was so scary. I told them that I didn't go on to it because my friends and I were terrified. I decided to try it. So we put on our seat belts and... a thing. I don't know how to describe it, but you place it near your head and your chest. Some U-shape thing and you're supposed to hold on to it. I was getting really worried. And then it started to move. It swung from left to right, going higher and higher. And then the "ship" was actually upside down IN THE AIR. AND IT FREAKING PAUSED. IN THE AIR, I TELL YOU. IN THE AIR. I WAS LIKE SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT. My hair was covering my face and I was screaming like hell. Gravity tried to pull me downwards. My cousins were like : "Fucking shit" "Fuuuuck!" "Oh my god, GAY!" "I wanna shit!" "Mat-something something" HAHA THEY WERE SO FUNNY but they were panicking out. I was like, " OH MY GOD, MY CHEST AND BOOBS HURT!" In the end, the ship turned 360 degrees in the air. 360 degrees, I TELL YOU. I felt like throwing up but I was actually concentrating on my slippers. I was scared that they might fall off. xD

We went to the other rides and all. Dry rides, lol. It was super fun. Went for the Grand Canyon. Nothing great but again, it's actually with whom you're going with. Although I went on to it before, but this time was different. We went for 3 roller-coaster rides. One; we sat on the so-called buffalo looking roller-coaster ride. But the ride wasn't that scary. It wasn't that fast too but it was okay. Nevertheless, we were whooping like apes. Second; it was a wet roller-coaster ride. It was going slow at first and our ride entered a cave which looked like snake. Then the surrounding and everything went pitch black. I couldn't see anything. Nor do I even expect anything. I thought artificial insects would come and provoke me or something. Know what happened? We went sliding down really fucking quickly. I was screaming on top of my lungs. Seriously, everything was black and suddenly it went wooshing down. I didn't even clutch on to the metal tightly. It was so, fucking unexpected. But it was okay. In the end we got ourselves wet. Three; this roller-coaster was extreme. It went up soooooo high and came down really really quick. Lightning fast. I had butterflies every time the roller-coaster went down quickly. And I say, real quick. But I knew how it felt like. My cousin felt as if he was about to drop out from the ride and fall down.

We went to the water park again and went on the sliding-on-the-mat ride. Then we decided to eat something in Sunway Pyramid and go home. After eating, I went to buy ice-cream Sundae. The new flavour, Banana Toffee. My change dropped and as I picked it up, the liquid started dripping and it dripped on my hair. My hands got sticky too. Soon, my hair was rough. I was like, shayt. So I went to the toilet and washed my hair. And then we went home.

Out of all rides, the Pirates Revenge was definitely the scariest but the most awesome ride ever. HAH, it was such a great fucking awesome day! Nothing could describe the trip. I hope to go there again with my cousins. Really. But boy, I really am worn out. Today was the best day ever.

Memory - Younha ft. Tablo

2011-06-02T09:17:00.000-07:00

" My eyes,
My ears,
My hands,
My face,
My lips,
My heart,
My soul,

remembers you.

Even when he forms a smile, in my eyes-you are smiling. Even when I hold his hand, in my hand-it feels like your hand. My mind erased you though. My heart emptied you out though. You've clearly been erased but even now, it's still no use. Though time is erasing your figure now and my mind that was filled with you is emptied, my heart remembers you. Though I put away the picture of us smiling together and empty out my heart that was filled with you, my soul remembers you. The memory- the more I erase it, the more vivid it gets. The memory-the more I hate it, it comes closer like a- Is it breathing inside me? In the dark, when will it close its eyes? But even if I walk around, even if I turn around, you..- Even when I'm held in his arms, my heart, I only feel you. Even when I walk with him, my feet, they've stopped with you. In my eyes I only see you, I'm still filled up with tears about you. In my two hands, I only feel you. I'm bound in the memories of you, like handcuffs. The memory of you, even within the presence of someone near me when they're passing by, I'm still crazy about you because..- My heart remembers you. I still remember you. Though my heart emptied you out, though my mind erased you, everything reminds me of you. Though time is erasing your figure now and my mind that was filled with you is emptied, my body remembers you. Though I put away the picture of us smiling together and empty out my heart that was filled with you, my heart remembers you, "

- Nice Korean song. It's an old song.

Icy fun

2011-06-01T08:15:00.000-07:00

So let me tell you about today. The best day ever~ Today my cousin drove me and a few of my cousins to the park again. This time we played badminton. The match was hot! Then I decided to go jog for two rounds and we headed back home. My cousin asked me, do you want to go to ICT with us? and I'm like, yeah sure! I mean, I'm so bored sitting at home doing Maths.

So I dressed up properly and went there. Wow, the lights were amazing. It was just colourful. It was like a fiesta there. There were people selling stuff by the "roadside" and stuffs. Our real intention was to visit the Snow Walk. So we did. We were advised to wear the thick jackets like the one I wore to China. We hesitated for a while, (because it's been used over and over again by people. Unhygienic!) but they told us it was gonna be really cold. Like below 5 degrees Celsius. Mh, I already know what it felt like. But still. So we entered and damn they were right. It was darned cold. But I really enjoyed the temperature.

There were lots of ice sculpture here and there. I love touching. It was like Winter Wonderland. Out of all my body parts, I felt my lips going numb. And my feet too. I guess I wore shoes that absorbed water. Whatever. So yeah, me and my cousin, male, haha, saw a slide. It was kind off well... deep? high? Yeah, something like that but they use FLOATS to slide down the artificial snow/slopes. So being a so called daredevil, I decided to try. It was my turn after my cousin. I held on to... well something and the person just push me off and I slid down the slopes, real fast and I was twirling! WOW, it was such a great experience, moment and memory! GOSH, I feel like going again. I just kept laughing throughout the whole journey. I was scared that my leg was going to hit any slopes or something. But I didn't. It was great, I couldn't stop grinning. I was feeling a little bit tipsy after the ride.

Moving on, we saw another ride but we use... er, something to slide down the icy slide. I was so scared, because the man just really kicked that thing that you're in so hard that you slide down really fast. But when it comes to my turn, he didn't kick the thing. He just dragged/pushed and I felt myself going WHOAAAHHHH. I felt so scared that I was going to hit any icy blocks but I reminded myself that it is the container that's going to hit, not me. Yeah, it was fun, but I prefer the float. It gave me more suspense.

My cousin and I decided to head for the exit but then we went for the float ride again because it was so much fun. I went first this time. I feel myself roaring with laughter and going whoooaahhh. I forgot that the float will eventually stop by itself. So I used my leg to stop it and lots of ice covered my jeans and shoes. -.- Great. I felt numb. And we headed for the exit. WOW, that was really really fun. You should totally go there if you have the chance.

We were famished so we decided to eat at Subways. Omg, my first time there. I wanted to order Steak and Cheese but they were out. So I ordered Roasted Beef instead ( I love beef and I am carnivorous ). So now I know how it works there in Subways. Thanked my cousin and went home. So yeah, I had such a lovely day today! Even though I had to do Maths in the afternoon. Can't wait for this Friday. Going to Sunway Lagoon and going to have breakfast in Subway again! They said breakfast tastes good in Subways. Yum! Can't wait.

God, I'm so tired and knackered. Practically worn out. But I'm still strong. I'm sleepy so, goodnight.
*don't mind grammatical errors*

Broken Lullabies

Road run

Change

26

Robbed

One thousand words,

Just maybe.

I'm trying

Are you a heartless?

Those guys

School

The last of me

Taxis

2012

Who's that?

That step

Best day

Empty

Will you still love me tomorrow?

400th

Just another love scene

Saturday

Sketch

Realist

The Truth

Good?

Curse

Let's fly

Yusrry

End

I'll sing to you

Answer

SONGS TO BE COVERED

Helpless

Mean

Would you sing to me?

Camp

Promises

Zarif

Ensemble

Reborn

Beautiful Venusians

Unarranged

Balls?

547

#5

Dismay

Bee

Looks

Age

Songs on the list!

Back on Track

Cameron Mitchell

Money, shop, surprises

Hair

Raya

Someone like you

Birthday

Mistakes

Vanilla Twilight

Fun

Cynical

Sushi

On my own

Silence

New friend

I stand alone

Going to: ❒ Paris❒ New York❒ London ✔ KITCHEN, I'm hungry.

Birthday

Right guy, wrong time. Right time, wrong guy. New guy, old lines. Old guy, new lies.

If I were a boy?

Fringe

Turning Tables

Stake that

Care

Hot and Cold

Promise

Wreck

Apologize

Lonely

Going to:

❒ Paris
❒ New York
❒ London
✔ KITCHEN, I'm hungry.

Right guy, wrong time.
Right time, wrong guy.
New guy, old lines.
Old guy, new lies.